Goodbye 2010!

2010 has been quite a ride! In it's final hours, I find myself left with a mixed bag of inexpressible joy and new and deep worry over our family's financial future.

This past year I learned:

• what am amazingly wild, wonderful, awful, selfish, and selfless ride motherhood is going to be and that I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
• how to keep smiling when you're not sure how you're going to feed your family in two months.
• that while I miss being surrounded by old buildings, historical research, and other crazies who love it like I do as my job, I really enjoy the job I have now.
• our families are too far away but we love where we live and they love where they live so we'll just have to make it work.
• my little family makes me more happy than I EVER would have expected - even when it's just the three of us heading out to wander through IKEA on a Saturday afternoon.
• that in just over one year I can make at least one friend in a new place who feels like I've always known them and who makes my life so much more fun.
• Craig and I can get through anything - even some really crappy, scary, emotionally taxing job things coming up in the next month.
• praying does make me feel infinitely better - even when it's God that I'm mad at.

It's been quite the year of life lessons and I'm sure 2011 will be the same. The last few weeks have been incredibly rough because Craig's learned some scary financial things about his work and we're not sure how things are going to pan out. It's been disheartening to watch everyone at the church let this happen and/or not even know about it. I've been trying very hard to enter the new year on a positive note and I've made it. I feel blessed with my family, positive about my job experience, and determined to make the most of the coming year. Ella's developing in leaps and bounds and we have the whole year ahead of us for family time, local trips, and building friendships. 2010 was a rollercoaster trip - thrilling and terrifying -- always a bit out of control. 2011 is our time to focus on us, pay off some debt, get job things figured out and just keep moving along.

Best wishes from our family to yours this New Year's Eve!

Catch ya next year! :)

Ella meets Santa

"Let's see...what did I have on my list?!"

Back in the Saddle Again

Whew! Life's been crazy! Since August I've flown four times, been in five states outside of Washington, mourned a relative, celebrated two weddings, and spent Thanksgiving in my hometown for the first time since 2004. It's been an expensive, exhausting, and completely worth it whirlwind adventure.

I haven't blogged in a while mostly because I haven't had time or nice things to say but I've decided I need this outlet. I need to champion my family, rage at the world, and detail the minutia of my life. It helps me get it all out and channels my energy.

Things on my plate right now:

1. Fitness Re-Boot. I have the gym membership I've been craving for so long and I LOOVE it. However, to get in my workout for the day and still be a present member of my family, my workout slot is 5am. This, I do not love. I was very good about going for a while but travel and bad weather have conspired with my innate laziness and I haven't been in quite a while. I will be there tomorrow, high waters be damned (we have had a lot of high water around these parts lately...hell, not so much)! I've resigned up for SparkPeople to track my fitness and my food and it's telling me that if I keep this up fairly consistently, I could be at my ultimate healthy weight by next Christmas. :) Merry Christmas to me!
2. Crafting Ahoy! My goal this year was to craft and I've been semi-successful. I am always working on Ella's baby book. I have even started playing around with other scrapbooks (England 2006, Wedding 2007, etc) but those aren't really started yet. Over Thanksgiving, my mom and I made one of the three stockings I wanted to complete by Christmas this year. The pieces are cut out for the other ones but I haven't really had the time or space to do any sewing. I'm planning on devoting a chunk of time this weekend to it in order to bang out the rest. It's 11 days until Christmas - can I have them done in time for Santa?
3. Cleaning, Cleaning, Always Cleaning We have a tiny apartment and due to our own financial problems and some job worries, we won't be able to move any time soon. Therefore, we have been slowly culling through everything to determine what we really need and what can either be pitched, donated, or sold. It's a work in progress but it always feels nice to make a little bit more room.

Life hasn't worked out exactly as planned lately (when does it?) and I've been working through phases of anger, despair, anger again, and acceptance. We're blessed to have health, love, family, and (as of right now anyway) a room over our head and food for our baby so we can't really complain.

I promise to keep up with blogging a bit more. I'm sure all two of you who read this are thrilled. :)

Thinking and Thinking

I had a breakdown yesterday for the first time in a long time. It snowballed from "I think I want rolls for dinner" to an existential crisis of epic proportions "Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I feel like I'm succeeding at so little when I'm doing so much?" Blah blah blah. I was completely caught off-guard by the intensity of these feelings of overwhelming chaos and hopelessness. Fortunately, I arrived home to a smiling baby who wanted nothing more than to be cuddled and most of those feelings melted away. By the end of the night, Craig and I were laughing and smiling - far removed from the foul feelings of earlier.







While the crappy feelings are gone, thank goodness, but a powerful sense of being rudderless remains. I have work and family right now without much else. I feel exhausted, the house is a mess, and so on and so forth. I was reciting all of this to myself last night on my mopey drive home when a voice in my head said, "Hey, buck up. There is no reason you can't keep a house clean, pick up a hobby, and still be an awesome employee, wife, and mother. Countless people do it all the time. Learn to manage your time, dumbass."





And thus, in response to the harpy in my head I am instituting a plan of action! Family trips on the weekend - even if it's just to the park by the house! Mini-cleaning bursts in the morning and evening to keep on top of the clutter! Gym starting in October! Crafts!





It sounds like a lot but in reality, I'm just focusing on the little things that can keep my life jointly orderly and interesting.





My first (and probably for quite awhile my only) craft project is:

Stockings for the family courtesy a pattern from McCall ! It seems simple enough but I've also never sewed anything in my life so what do I know!? Regardless, this will be worth trying and probably fun and rewarding to boot!

October's Potential

We're getting a gym membership in October!!! I'm so excited I'm using more than one exclamation point!! :)

I'm working a small extra job doing some cleaning in order to help save a bit more money. Craig and I sat down and crunched numbers in our budget and realized we could get a membership at the local YMCA and STILL save some from this new job. Woot! I've been DYING to get back to doing something active since Ella's arrival. Sadly, it means I'll have to get up crazy early and work out in the mornings, therefore missing breakfast and baby time in the morning but it'll get me fit and still give me time in the evenings to play with the Monster. :)

I can hardly wait for it to be October! Woot!

Pumpkin in the Air

Summer was a very brief thing here in the Northwest. I shivered my way through the 4th of July, sweated a few times in the following two months, and find myself standing at the beginning of September and thinking I need to pull the "cold weather clothing bin" which admittedly does not have too much in it but there you go.

Autumn has arrived. There is a bite to the air. The rain is coming back. And you know what, I'm okay with that. Craig and I spent last evening after Ella had gone to bed for the night, watching Better Off Ted on Netflix (funny show - it's a shame it was cancelled after just a season and a half when drivel like According to Jim ran for 8 seasons). I was stretched out on the couch, cozy under a down throw and a warm cat in my lap. I had opened the window behind my head a crack to get a little air flow. I laid there for a few minutes post window-opening before it dawned on me that it officially smelled like fall. Yeah, it's September. Yeah, the stores are already changing the displays from school supplies to Halloween. Yeah, the Pumpkins Spice Latte is back at Starbucks. It didn't sink in that our brief summer was fading out and we were ebbing back into cold weather until I smelled that damp, sweet fall smell spilling in from the window.

I should be upset that summer is leaving us once again and we're in for a long wet season but I'm not. I'm inexplicably happy. This damp, cold season means jackets and scarves, baking bread and making soups, cute stockings and jackets for Ella, football, brisk walks down to the Sound on the weekend with the whole family (minus Pecan who probably wouldn't tolerate a leash so much...haha), and warm homes against the cold outside. I don't know why this makes me happier than it usually does. It could be because we live in a place that gets a little colder/damper and therefore more seasonal. It could be because this will be Ella's first holiday season and I'm beyond excited for Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas experiences with my baby even though she won't get it and really won't care. It could be because I love where we are and I'm feeling settled potential about life.

Whatever the reason, I think it's a good time to make up a pot of yummy soup, put on fuzzy slippers, finish the night with a pumpkin latte, and revel in the season! :D

Pretty much the cutest thing ever!

5 months old and a happy, happy girl

September Already?!

September is here at my doorstep and it has shown up with gifts: dwindling free time, a bit of extra work to bring a bit of extra money in, and a reminder that the hellish month of October is mere steps away (hellish for work and briefly heavenly for a mini-vacation to Kate's wedding!).

I'm going to try to stay up to date on the blog in order to a) keep it interesting and b) keep my head on straight by blogging my way through a bunch of mini-goals I'll be setting for myself.

My mini-goals for this week are:

Mini-goal 1: Finally sit down and put fingers to keyboard to write about Ella's first trip across the country, my last visit with my grandma, and her subsequent passing.

Mini-goal 2: Blog/picture entry about the recent visit with the inlaws - lots of fun!

Mini-goal 3: Head over to Joanne Fabric and wander the aisles in an attempt to finally narrow down craft project/fabric choices for my first stab at true craftiness - making stockings for the family!

Mini-goal 3.5: Blog about said laughably ambitious craft project and its progress!

Whew! That's quite a lot for a week that still has work, work II, and housework not to mention finally getting back into the flow after my trip to Indiana and a week long visit from family. I feel as if it's been ages since I've been restful in my home.

At the airport

Ella takes a break in my arms before our flight to Indy. More on that later.

Slow Fade

"When you are sorrowful look again at your heart, and you shall see see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

~ Khalil Gibran

Meandering Thoughts

Today is Friday. Today is warm and sunny outside. Today the office is nearly empty with few employees and no client visits thus it is cleaning day/jeans day.



Today I want to be outside sitting on a blanket in the grass playing with my daughter, talking with my husband and therefore far away from my piles of paper and random work notes. I'm not upset that I'm here amid files and sticky notes and paperclips. I'm just having a bit of trouble reigning my thoughts in for the day. I start thinking, "Okay, what do I have to do next with this file?" and end up thinking, "I wonder how much a gym membership is...hmm, would I have time time to go? Is something close to the apartment? I have to get a better sports bra. I'd really like to go shopping. Ooh, a brown skirt. I need a brown skirt. I don't own many neutral colors. I wonder if my Mom would want to go shopping with me when I'm down in November. Hmm, visiting the parents in November...I need to work out more. I wonder how much a gym membership is... " and on and on down the circuitous rabbit hole that is my mind until I've found myself reading Wikipedia articles ranging from the WWII defeat of the British at Dunkirk to sorority histories while pulling up fall recipes online that sound yummy even when it's too hot to heat up the stove. :)

It's a wonder I get anything done on days like today. :p

The Reason Wednesdays are Wonderful

I have been lucky enough to get to spend every Wednesday with Ella due to some cutbacks at work. I love it! Sadly, I go back to full time in September so I only have a few more Wednesdays left to spend chattering, cooing, and goofing around with Peanut here. Here's to making the most of it!

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Clergy as Entertainers

A friend posted a link on Facebook to an Op-Ed piece from the New York Times called "Congregations Gone Wild" that talks about clergy burnout. Being married to a man who went through seminary and currently works in a church and friends with a good number of ordained ministers, this article seemed relevant.

The author, G. Jeffrey MacDonald, talks about the growing expectation that parishioners have that church ought to be a place where they are made to feel validated, be it politically, emotionally, or physically though rarely spiritually. They want slide shows and rock bands but they don't want hard truths or unanswered questions or contemplative silence.

It's more than a bit depressing to think about the scores of people who expect religion to be entertainment rather than something deeper. It shouldn't be the pastor who has the biggest budget, the best suits, the most neutral sermons, and the flashiest shows who brings in the most people.

I thought for a long time that maybe I just wasn't "getting" church because the church functions I attended with friends in high school and early college left me cold. Altar calls, superficial (and poorly written) praise music, and judgement flung about at those standing apart from the herd were all I saw and they made me feel uncomfortable and icky. I didn't know why. I still felt a desire to worship somewhere, to read and learn about God and the history (cultural/political/spiritual) of man in relation to God but I couldn't figure out how to do that in a way that felt appropriate.

It wasn't until I began dating Craig that it finally clicked. For the first time in my life I found someone who was a Christian but who could speak intelligently about it. We could sit down and have a discussion about religion. I could ask, bait, pester and, for the most part, he could keep up. :) He showed me that a person can engage on an intellectual level with religion, still harbor doubts, and come away the better for it. And the best part - he didn't need the flash.

Don't get me wrong - Craig loves his fancy high church stuff but that wasn't what was important. He didn't fall back on the surface stuff to get him through. It was so freeing to attend church with him and hear sermons which messages based on the readings at hand and giving guidance and information. It wasn't the weird affirmation gospel that I had encountered in high school. There weren't projectors showing us pictures in lieu of words and there weren't painfully hip people scattered conveniently through the crowd smiling so much their faces hurt.

So often I've had discussions with people who want church to be a place to give everyone warm fuzzies, to make everyone who enters comfortable. I do believe that churches need to meet the people where they are but it shouldn't stop there. MacDonald in his article points out that this constant attempt to come up with the new, the pleasing, the happy is exhausting. It's exhausting because life isn't always kittens pooping rainbows and church isn't the band-aid. The world is broken and the church, being of the world while looking elsewhere, is as well. If you strive to make everyone happy/comfortable/entertained you become diluted and eventually you give up.

I started this post solely to link to a thought-provoking article that seemed relevant to a number of my friends but I've obviously wandered down the rabbit hole that is my relationship with organized religion. I know I come to the table of the church universal from a unique perspective. I am a historian and I feel the pull of the traditional - ie hymnals instead of Powerpoint, hymns instead of insipid songs of the category (as a friend described) "Jesus is my bearded boyfriend", reflection and sacredness, repetition in service, etc. I am, after all, the girl who had "put asunder" used in our wedding vows in lieu of the newer phrasing because it's a great descriptive phrase that should be used more often. :) I also come to the table firmly in the camp of women's rights, gay rights, universal healthcare, education for all, and all the rest of those touchy-feely left leaning tendencies that cause my extended family and Craig's to silently cringe (which is ironic because I think my religious tendencies cause my immediate family to cringe - haha). I'm a contradiction and I'm okay with that. When I pray, read the bible, talk to God on a walk, or attend church I'm looking to connect with the past, the present, and the forever all at once.

Wise (and sucky) Decisions

Craig and I had "a grown up conversation" last night about life and finances and what's best for us and the consensus is we're staying in our apartment for at least 6 more months.

We've always been the couple to decide we need something and then tweak and twist things to make it so in the time frame or the price range that we need - budget and comfort be damned! Sometimes it works out: our marriage, Ella, moving across the country. Sometimes it has a bit more pain in the ass consequences: our newer furniture (which we're still paying off), our fancy phones (which we love but that are pricier). In that vein, we want to be in a new place and we want it yesterday. We could make a move work and while we'd be happy with a new place (obscenely happy to some extent), it'd end up just making us poorer and more stressed in the long run.

*sigh*

In light of all that intelligent, rational thinking (pfft), we've decided that it's smarter to stay where we are, pay off some debt, save up some money, and look for something in the spring once we're a bit more stable. We're also both hoping (but not counting on) a bit more income by that time so waiting will give us a chance to know our finances a little bit better.

It sucks that we're stuck in a complex that's dirty, ghetto, and slightly dangerous with an apartment that's beyond tiny, doesn't have window screens, and has a crappy door. However, the silver lining includes the fact that the apartment is solidly built, maintenance is fast and friendly, we're close friends and a nice park, and this will be the first time since 2007 that we haven't packed up and moved one year after arriving. hehe It's a dingy silver lining but there it is. :)

Being a responsible grown up stinks. :p

Blogging from my phone

I'm just testing a new app I have. What better way to test than to include a pic of our household besties, Brigid and Pecan, chillin' together.

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Month Five is Nigh And Everyone's Still Alive

In the coming weeks and months, I'm going to try and make this blog a bit more of a priority. I've been so busy keeping records of my life elsewhere (baby book, calendar, mini-journal, Picasa, etc) that I haven't kept up here.

The basic updates: Ella is the most awesome baby ever! No bias here...nope, none at all. hehe She'll be 5 months old next Thursday...which is NUTS! She rolls all over the place, can sit supported by her hands for pretty decent periods of time, and has been eating cereal for almost 3 weeks. She loves the cat and dog and lunges forward anytime the dog is nearby so she can put her hands in Brigid's fur and pet her. Brigid has been wonderful and will turn her head and lay down so Ella can touch her and love her without Brigid getting poked in the eye or something. Pecan still has little interest in the baby but will rub up against her hand if Ella's holding out hers when we're holding out ours.

We've tried as much as possible to continue our lives and add Ella in, rather than stop everything and just sit around watching her. She's become quite the traveler and there's only more on the way. So far this year, Ella's travels have included:

• Up into the mountains to the outlet mall with her Aunt Allie and her parents. She was little enough then that she just slept through the whole thing.
• Into Pike Place Market with Aunt Allie and her parents. She snoozed in her carrier the whole time - it was glorious! :D
• Jimi Hendrix's grave with her Uncle Steve, Deb, and parents. Easy enough to point out it was her mom's idea to visit a graveyard with a 7 week old. hehe
• A trip on the Light Rail into the city. She just watched the world swirl past her while hanging out in her stroller.
• A trip from Westlake Center Mall to Seattle Center on a monorail put in place during the Seattle World's Fair. Ella was rather blase about the whole affair but her mom was uber-geeked out by the history/architecture of the recent past. :D
• The Northwest Folklife Festival at the Seattle Center. Full of music, food, and hippies...it was awesome!
• Many miles of walks with Deb and her mom around the area - into parks, around neighborhoods to judge people on their lawns and homes, etc.
• Again into Pike Place Market with her great-grandparents and parents. This time she was awake enough to be alternately fascinated with all that there was to see and cranky/tired/hungry that things weren't revolving around her.
• Out to a restaurant with the great-grandparents. We thought she'd be a monster but she was so tuckered out from Pike Place she slept the whole time.
• Up into the mountains for 4th of July with the Willsons, the Sorensens, a horse, several dogs, and a brood of chickens. It was in the 50s, drizzly, and at times chilly enough to see our breath but totally worth it! Ella sat on a horse (with much assistance and caution, of course), took a mondo nap, and was a trooper around fireworks. So. Much. Fun. :)
• Northwest Trek animal park with Grammie Penny and her parents. This is officially the coolest place ever! It has animals native to the Pacific Northwest and they were all out that day (save for the bobcat who was in hiding somewhere). We saw bison, elk, big cats, a beaver, grizzly bears, lots of other things, and...a moose! Ella didn't really care about the animals too much but the beaver and otter both caught her eye because they were so close and so needy for attention. The beaver kept swimming up to the glass, pausing with his paw on the glass, and then performing a backflip and returning to the glass for his admirers. Too cute!

As you can see, she's been a busy girl for the last few months. The rest of the year is shaping up to be equally busy! Grandma Sheryl and Grandpap Geno are visiting in late August. Ella's going to start spending time with other little ones when she goes to someone's house 2xs a week for playdates/babysitting. Dad and Ella are spending a long weekend along together while I travel to Dallas for a wedding. The whole family is flying to South Carolina for a wedding in November and then flying two weeks after that to California to spend Thanksgiving with family. Whew! Craziness! Add to that a fundraiser for Craig's youth that I'm helping with in September, a 5k walk at Northwest Trek I'm doing (also) in September, potentially a walk/fundraiser (again also) in September, and *fingers crossed* a move out of our tiny apartment into something a bit bigger (also) in September.

I have also decided that I am going to make Christmas stockings for our family this year. This should prove to be interesting because I have minimal (at best) knowledge of all things craft-y but I'm not planning to get uber-complicated but rather to make basic stockings for the five of us (yes the animals are getting stockings as well - I'll probably do my practice runs on theirs) that match and will look nice if (oh please, oh please, oh please) we have a mantel come Christmas. hehe

This post was a tad longer that I anticipated but I needed to catch up. I am going to try very hard to post more often. It's just very hard to find time between the work, play, and, routine to sit on the computer and post to friends/family the minutiae of our lives.

Life Shift

I'm a mom.

. . .

Yep, still feels weird to write, even though it's been a month since our bundle of joy (and screams, dirty diapers, and midnight feedings) arrived. I haven't posted anything in quite a while and I keep telling myself I'll get around to writing about my new job, the delivery of my child, and those first few weeks at home but I've come to realize that I can't just hold off posting until I have time for all that or it'll be 18 years from now and I'll be writing a post the size of War and Peace.

I'm still coming to terms with everything motherhood has to offer. I love that I have this tiny little creature with part of my DNA who knows my smell and my voice and (soon) my face. I love that there are times she looks so much like me that it's scary and then the light shifts and she's a carbon copy of her dad. Love! I love the quiet times we spend when I'm nursing her. I love taking walks with Craig and Brigid and having her strapped to me in a carrier, sound asleep.

However, there are a lot of things that I really (REALLY) don't like. I hate that I have lost my freedom to a large degree. This tiny person depends completely on me and I can't do what I want anymore without an inordinate amount of planning prior. I can't just go get my haircut on any given Saturday without a plan between Craig and I. Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without making sure she's safe and secure for five minutes while I'm occupied and Craig is at work. It's incredibly taxing. I hate the fussing and crying that I can't do anything about. I hate that I feel trapped at times by this tiny person who keeps me up late, wakes me up throughout the night, cries and can't tell me why, and needs me 24/7. It's exhilarating and exhausting, all at once.

There are days, well parts of days really, where I feel totally on. I feel like I have a handle on everything. I feel happy. And then there are days, ie the rest of the time, where I feel like I'm barely hanging on. It's like Craig and I are finally learning how to be adults. We're forced to be vigilant about organization, laundry, dishes, trash because if we don't we'd be buried under mounds of dirty clothes, wading through bags of trash not yet taken out, and eating on paper plates because we'd fallen behind just a little bit. There are times I feel like I can nurse the baby no problem and then there are days she screams like I have poison issuing from my body. It's two steps forward, one step back in figuring everything out. We're getting there slowly but surely.

Thank goodness for my mother! Without her common sense and honesty I would feel completely unprepared and horrible at this motherhood thing. She spent the first two and a half weeks with us making sure we ate, slept, and showered. She forced me to stay hydrated and get rest. She cooked and held the baby when she was fussy. My mom also shared with me that she felt like I did for the first few months - that it kind of sucks. The nights are long, the bond is still forming, the diapers are daunting, and the nursing is constant. She hasn't judged me when I've talked. She's just listened and shared. I've always loved my mother but we haven't always gotten along. The high school years, as with most mothers and daughters, were rough. We grew closer through college and beyond. This time, while hard on infinite levels, has been a blessing because I've gotten to know my mother better than I ever expected and I am so appreciative!

Overall, this motherhood thing is a crazy ride and we're only four weeks into it. I'll try to post more when I can find the time. Craig and I are scrambling to figure out what's worth holding onto from our "previous" lives and what can be let go. TV is dwindling, date nights are in the distant future, etc. I'd like to keep this blog going to mark our milestones as a new and growing family. We shall see. :)

Gainful Employment

Today was my first day at a new job. I'm a part-paralegal/part-administrative assistant at a small law firm. Everyone seems very nice and I think the job and place have a lot of potential. It was overwhelming, as all first days are. I am very happy to be at home in my soft fuzzy pj pants getting ready for a night in with Craig. I knew I would be tired but I keep forgetting how extra-tired being preggo makes me. I'm EXHAUSTED! My feet look like sausages and my ankles are like grapefruits. Yikes! :p Here's to some water, some tv, and some pillows to prop up my feetsies before another day tomorrow.

Books

Last year I attempted a record of books read in 2009 in my planner. I wasn't perfect but I have a decent record of my reading. I'm going to attempt to do that again - only on this blog instead of in my planner. I've downsized my planner so I need all available space for notes to assist the sieve that is my brain.

Obviously, I'm already a month behind so I'll briefly recap what I've read in 2010 to date.

January
Shades of Grey by Jasper Fforde
I adore all that Jasper Fforde has done and this newest book is no exception. It's very different from his last two series, less manic is how my brother described it, but just as able to suck you into the story. It's killing me that the next in this series isn't immediately available!

The Egypt Game by Zilpha Keatley Snyder (a re-read from my childhood)
The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder (another re-read from childhood)
My brother and I were reminiscing about books from our childhood and I pulled these two off the shelves to read. I loved them as a kid and they hold together pretty well over the years. Both deal with trust issues, coming of age, and a bit of the supernatural.

February
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson
My brother recommended this book and it's sequel VERY highly. Another friend also mentioned to me how much she loved it as well so I decided to pick it up. It's set somewhat in the high-powered world of finance and I wasn't so sure I'd be interested in that or get it enough to keep going. It's fantastic. The author is terrific at weaving several story lines together and getting the reader to not only remember but to care about all of the characters. I also really enjoyed the Swedish-ness of the novel. Too often when things are published in America after another country, words and references are changed within the plot to help us "get" it better. This didn't seem to do that and I really enjoyed getting the feeling of what the country and the people were like. A good, gripping read all-around!

Virtual Hugs Aren't Always Enough

There are times that I think growing up really sucks. Bills, insurance worries, job stress, family changes, and so on. Today I found out a dear friend of mine lost her father. It was unexpected and he was too young. My heart goes out to her and to her family, struggling to cope with sudden tragedy. It's times like these that one feels both adult and powerless. Wishing won't change things - won't give anyone one last talk, hug, moment. Complete suck.

Lots of love and prayers are being sent out from our family to hers tonight and for a long time coming.

This First Parting That There Was Among Us

Chestnut on the day she was adopted in January 2006

Yesterday morning at 8:00am, our five year old tortoiseshell cat Chestnut died. Craig was gone for the weekend at a winter retreat with his youth group and I was still in bed at the time. The cats had been sleeping in the baby crib and I heard them start to fight each other. Chestnut went to jump out of the crib and must have caught herself somehow; possibly on a bumper tie, a thread from the mobile, or simply her claw in the bumper side; and she fell into a large canvas bin that sits next to the crib. The bin has a couple blankets at the bottom of it.

I heard a bit of scrabbling and then one very off-sounding and plaintive cries. I knew something was off but thought maybe she just couldn't get out of the bin on her own. I got out of bed, looked over into the bin and realized she wasn't moving and was on her side with her face against the bin side and facing a bit down. I scrambled to find my glasses and the light and came back to look, all the while calling her name. She hadn't moved at all and wasn't making any more sounds. Thinking she might have hurt a leg or her neck, I gently scooped her up and moved her onto the bed. Her eyes and mouth were open. She coughed twice in what I can only guess was an attempt to breath, and then she was gone. Her pupils got very large and I could feel no heartbeat or breath.

Sobbing, I tried to call Craig but knew that there was no signal on the mountain where his group was camped. I called my dad immediately after and checked Chestnut several more times for signs of life while on the phone with him, knowing full well that she was gone. After calming down to some degree, I called a local emergency vet for a price so that I could have Chestnut cremated. Apartment living doesn't really lend itself to pet burials in the back yard and there was NO WAY I was throwing her in the dumpster.

I have never felt so alone at that moment. New enough to town to have few friends, husband gone, no real relationship with a vet, family far away. Bleh. I was able to reach my friend Deb who was just getting off her work shift. Serendipitously, she was heading to her vet with her puppy and son and she offered to call them for me and then come get me. I said I could actually come over myself and tag along - wreck that I was.

All the while, I'm trying to remain as calm as possible because extra stress isn't so great for preggos - especially preggos not so far out from their due date. I took deep breaths, drank water, and made myself pack some food in my purse to take to Deb's so I would at least eat something. I showered and cried, got the cat carrier down and cried, and went back into my bedroom to put Chestnut in the carrier for the final time and cried.

The door to my bedroom had been closed to keep Brigid and Pecan from bothering her body and/or wigging out. Going back in, the room smelled like cat urine and death. Her eyes were getting a touch cloudy and it was an awful feeling to lift that small, still-warm body and place her onto her blanket and then build the carrier around her. I took her down to my car and then came back to clean off the comforter of her urine smell and for the rest of my stuff.

Driving to Deb's bothered me more than I expected because normally with Chestnut and car rides she'd cry a lot and I'd have to put my fingers in the crate so she could rub on them to calm down. The new silence was disconcerting at best.

The rest of the day went as expected. Deb was awesome. The vet office was kind but heart-breaking. The apartment was emptier without her. Craig and I finally got a hold of each other after I left Deb's and I felt horrible sharing the bad news with him. Chestnut was, although adopted by me prior to meeting Craig, truly his cat. She loved his smell and would fuss over him if given the opportunity. He also felt really bad about not being there but who can predict a freak accident. It was good to talk to my best friend though, even when delivering bad news.

I worked that night and my manager was awesome and we shared kitty stories and laughed. I bought some Benadryl thinking it would help me sleep (as suggested by my OB) because all I could see in my mind's eye were images of her prone in the bin and then on the bed after she had passed. Awfulness. I even slept in the spare room that night. I didn't want to be in the bed alone where she passed. I never did use the medicine though as I started having a few contractions later that evening, nothing "actual" but more than normal and I didn't want to be drugged up if I had to drive myself to L&D if they got any worse. Thankfully they went away with some rest and water and I was so tired from the day that I slept fairly well. Pecan kept me up with an hour of purring and cuddling at 6am but I didn't mind. The company was nice.

Now, a day later, the apartment still feels empty and both Craig and I are a bit subdued. Chestnut was an awesome cat and will be truly missed. I'm thankful I was there for her accident instead of finding her in the bin hours later. I don't want my comforter and duvet cover any more. I can still see her on them. I know the awfulness of it all will fade and the good memories will remain. We're not jumping to replace her any time soon. We're just keeping a close eye on how Pecan is coping and waiting for the right time after the baby arrives. Until then, we'll look back on the four years we got to spend with our wonderful Chestnut. She was loved and is missed.

Chestnut looking a bit more world-weary in July of 2009

Squee!

Jasper Fforde and I at the fabulous Seattle Mystery Bookshop on Cherry Street. He signed my book and made my day!

Truth or Dare

Truth: While I love living here, there are some times I really (REALLY) miss the east coast.

It doesn't happen often but I do have pangs of regret that we moved so far away (though most of the time I just think it'd be nicer if our country wasn't so wide! hehe) I was flipping through my Preservation Magazine the other day, reading the ads in the back, and it struck me that we live SO FAR AWAY from so many of the places that we a) wanted to visit or b) wanted to go back and visit again. No plantations out here. No vacation drive to New England here. No easily planned trip to Philadelphia or New York or Savannah here. I recognize it's just a change of scenery because we do have a lot of untapped trip taking/history finding resources here. I'm just not familiar with them all yet. Definite easy trip to Vancouver/Victoria here. Easy day trip to Seattle. Vacation drive down the 5 and/or PCH here. Easily planned trip to Vegas or LA or Portland or any of the "big" national parks here.

In truth, it's not that we have less to do it's just that we have different things to do. We're also expecting our Big Life Changing Event (ie the baby) soon so we're not really thinking about taking trips right now, more like finding storage for baby clothes instead. Also, I'm in two weddings this year which (having finally sat down and calculated air fare, car rental, hotel, etc) will be felt for quite sometime in our pocketbook region (though so totally worth it for both!) - local is better for us.

Truth: I miss driving to WV/PA to visit family.

I saw an ad on fb for Sarris chocolate and it made me think that last Easter we were up visiting his parents. (We stopped by the Sarris factory/store for a treat coming back from Pittsburgh one day.) I don't miss the small bed pushed up against the popcorn wall that we slept in or the late nights getting back but I really miss being able to visit family for the weekend. We're pretty close to my parents here (well about 2xs the distance we were to Craig's) so it's not like we never get to see anyone but it was nice to be able to load up the car, leave in the early am and get there before dinner. It was nice to see everyone there and to explore Craig's old stomping grounds with him as a tour guide.

Unfortunately there's not really any middle ground when it comes to our families. If we're close to one, we're far from the other. They live on opposite coasts and Craig and I don't really want to live in TX and split the distance. :) Luckily, both sets are healthy and able to visit and we both want to travel to see everyone once the baby's big enough and we have enough money. Sadly, we wanted to take a trip to Chicago and see some of the family this summer (his grandpa who doesn't fly and my grandma who's in a nursing home) but we've realized that the weddings are going to cost too much for us to do that this year unless I stumble into a really well-paying job. I haven't had luck finding ANY kind of job so we'll see about that! I'm not too worried though. If not this year, definitely next year! :)

Today = Awesome

My Awesome Day

• Woke up late.
• Perused the internet, ate breakfast.
• Showered late, got dressed.
• Took clean, easy-to-use public transportation into the city.
• Spent a little while window shopping in Pioneer Square.
• Bought Jasper Fforde's new book.
• Perused a fantastic selection of mystery books for about 45 minutes until Jasper Fforde arrived and set up a station to sign books.
• Got my book signed by Fforde, hung around a few more minutes, got my picture taken with him. (EEP!)
• Grabbed coffee with Craig to get warm before journeying back home.
• Arrived home to find that the stroller we had registered for had arrived (Thanks Dad and Mom Falvo!)
• Put together said stroller in 15 minutes.
• Ate a tasty dinner prepared by Craig, talked with my parents, and watched some tv.

More tidbits and a photo to follow tomorrow about the signing. I think it's time to crawl into bed and get some rest.

Babies, breathing, and hospital rooms

Our first childbirth/prenatal class is over. It was better than expected though equally unnerving. We were one of twelve or thirteen other couples, all fairly close in pregnancy progression. The class lasted 2 1/2 hours. Luckily snacks were provided! :)

The first hour was fairly boring as the lady leading it just talked about pregnancy advice and concerns which would have been great were I not already 30 weeks preggo and already familiar with everything. :)

After a quick break, we were taken on a tour of the childbirth center. That was very cool! They have two family areas to have people sit and wait. They have two OR rooms for C-sections. The private rooms where you labor and stay are pretty nice by hospital standards. They're warmer in color, come equipped with a two person hot tub for labor help, and bed/window seat for the spouse/partner should they stay. The baby stays in the room with you the whole time as well, assuming there aren't any complications. Pretty swanky.

Hospitals in general make me feel slightly uneasy. No matter the veneer, it's always very clinical and odd underneath. Thank goodness Craig is comfortable in a hospital setting as his mom's a nurse and he's been injured and/or sick and admitted a not insignificant amount of times. He's also an incredibly supportive husband who deals well with my unease. He'll be an awesome support person!

After the tour we watched a portion of a video showing two different women giving birth. Actually giving birth. One was completely natural and the other had painkillers but not an epidural. It was alternatingly horrifying and fascinating. Had I been in my own home, I would have cried (like a baby, in fact) each time the child was born. It was an amazing sight, tempered only by the fact that a tiny voice in the back of my head was crying out, "Pain! Lots of pain and that's going to be you in just a short time!" hehe

We ended the first class with some breathing exercises. I don't expect to remember all of it and be so calm during the actual labor and delivery but it was nice to have done something to draw upon when the time comes. I'm the kind of person who needs those reference points, if only to decide they don't work for me.

I'm looking forward to our next class and to learning a bit more. I'm REALLY looking forward to actually giving birth to our little girl and finally meeting her. Given her insistent kicking and rolling over, especially when my posture's not so hot, gives me reason to think she's a bit of a firebrand! :)

Eventful day = tired girl

I had a good day! I sound so surprised but today felt like a normal day from when I was in South Carolina and it's been a really long time since I've been able to say that.

I got up at a normal time (nothing unusual there), assisted in wrangling the cats into their respective crates for a trip to the vet (it's a yearly traumatic event for Pecan and I have the wounds to prove it), and finally, lo and behold, I spent the rest of the day with a friend and out among the living. It was awesome! We didn't do much - went to the nearby Air Force base to go to the exchange to look for shoes and purses (which made me think of Kristen and our trip to Camp Pendleton's on a similar trip and made me miss her), ate lunch at Del Taco (yay!), and ended up back at her place chatting.

Simple and yet so phenomenally welcome! I was out and about and busy all day and I felt human! :) *deep contented sigh*

Blog bloggity blog

In an effort to keep myself focused and a bit more aware of time and the like, I've signed myself up for NaBloPoMo, aka National Blog Posting Month! It's a take-off of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) that's widened from one month of hectic daily blogging to a year of hectic daily blogging.

I created a profile on there and hope it will keep me focused enough to try and blog a bit more often. The site is interested and once I make a full month of posts, I can enter myself into a prize raffle and/or a blog role should I choose. There are also monthly themes and posting ideas to help those of us with writer's block churn out postings. And thus, I am actually on this blog two days in a row. Craziness! :)

The theme for January is "BEST" which makes a lot of sense. People come into the new year with the mental image of a clean slate. Gyms fill with the fitness-hopeful, closets and pantries are cleaned out, lists are made and so on all in the hopes of bettering ourselves. My post from yesterday is just such an example. January is the universally accepted month for taking stock of one's life and attempting to tweak, stretch, and pull one's self into something better.

I've made my list, as yesterday's post proves, and now I'm working toward my goals. I sat down this evening and jotted notes to myself for tomorrow. A "to do" list, a "to call" list, a "to measure/to look up/to think about" and so on. I don't work tomorrow so I have a bit of time on my hands to be productive. I do have to take the cats to the vet (that should be an adventure) and I start a spiritual gifts class at church in the evening but I plan on spending the rest of my day on my "To..." lists.

Can you tell I'm big on lists?! They help me remain focused when my eye wanders ("Ooh - pretty! Shiny!") and they also help me visualize what I've completed. While not exactly a gold star, it works.

I plan to make January (and the rest of the year) a journey to my BEST through lists and constant stops to refocus and rethink. I sound a bit cheesy but the knowledge of having a little person entering this work in less than 3 months and depending solely on myself and my husband is amazingly transformative (for the better and maybe the cheesier, I think). :)

Perspective

I think I said it best a few weeks ago on Facebook when I stated that I alternate feeling awash in and strained for time. Time seems to drag on for days and then in the blink of an eye weeks have vanished. I attribute this phenomenon to two things:

1. My lack of a consistent job and therefore a consistent schedule. Without structure, I find myself sort of floating around.
2. The gloomy skies here most days and the difference in how long the sun stays up. We're so much further north than where we were that we have less sunlight. That coupled with the fact that most of the time the sunlight's covered over by clouds or rain leaves me feeling always a little bit off as to what time it is.

All of that being said, I have decided I do not enjoy this nebulous time that I have found myself in. I need structure and goals and because there is no one to give that to me, I will have to create my own.

It's 2010. I'll be a mother in 2 1/2 months, married for 3 years by summer, in two of my closest friends' weddings this fall, and 30 before we ring in 2011. It's a big year and I want to make the most of it - or at least make a grasping attempt to control it before it zips by me in a blur of diapers, tears, laughter, and bills.

Emotionally overwrought (thanks preggo hormones) and stressed by finances and new situations, I had a bit of a panic attack last night. Fortunately Craig was there and able to talk me down, as it were. He listened, gave hugs, and asked questions to help me sort out what I was worried about - baby or job or money or loneliness. Thank goodness we usually alternate having bad/weak days. I don't know what we'd do if we both broke down on the same day! :) We talked for a quite a while, watched a funny movie from Netflix for a bit of an escape, and I came out the other end feeling quite a bit calmer about life.

Later that night I laid in bed for a little while with a blank notebook and just made lists and notes of the various things I think might be important or worth completing this year. It was an attempt to get my head around the changes happening in our household and what I can/should do about them. I didn't come up with resolutions so much as ways to redefine how I view myself and interact with the world - perspective shifts, I guess. Some old standards are on there and some new ones.

Perspectives and Goals for 2010

1. Be the best mom I can be.

This is a BIG year for me with this one. I will be holding (and changing and soothing and nursing and entertaining) a tiny little girl, MY tiny little girl, in just a few months and I feel SO unprepared. There are moments when I think, "I can totally do this!" and moments where the realization that I don't know the "right" diaper bag that would best benefit baby and me leaves me in tears and with doubts. Luckily, our little girl is coming whether I'm ready or not and I know in my heart that I'll be able to provide her with what she needs.

2. Getting healthy/fit

Ahh - my old standby. Health, fitness, weight loss...gotta love it. However, I find myself at a much different place with this perspective/goal this year than in years past. I now have to build back stamina to keep up with a little one. My body's been stretching/shifting/changing to help her grow and I'm going to have to fight an already uphill battle to get it into any semblance of "shape" after she arrives.

Pregnancy has made me realize I miss working out (to a degree). I've been walking and doing stretches while preggo but I haven't been hitting the elliptical or doing anything really hard and I miss being able to put on loud, angry music and sweating away a worry or an argument or a crappy day. I'd like to get back to that place.

And the final, and vanity-driven, reasons for getting fit - wedding, wedding, birthday. I am in two weddings this fall and I'd really (REALLY) like to look decent for them for the happy couples and for myself. I'm also going to be 30 this year (Gah!) and I'm at a place right now where most all that I pictured for myself at 30 is falling into place - married, kids, dog, cat(s). The owning our own house is not going to happen. Having a job I like and a body I like are my two things to work on!

3. Finish What I Start

I'm a quitter. I start things and get distracted or bored or hit a snag and quit. This is a year where I'm going to work to change that. I've got scrapbooking projects, writing projects, sewing aspirations (I'm not even at the project level yet), gift ideas, cooking projects, baby projects and I'm not doing with anything yet. This is my year to teach myself how to keep moving, keep going. I want to set a good example for my daughter.

4. Try New Things

Few people would argue that I'm introverted. I'm chatty and outgoing and I love being around people. It's the worst when Craig leaves for work and I have nothing on my plate for the day. I know no one and I have the worst anxiety about going somewhere by myself. Let me clarify. I love going shopping by myself, taking drives by myself, going to the movies alone, etc. I don't like going to group settings where I don't know anyone. I may be outgoing but it takes me a while to get comfortable enough in a setting to be my chatty self. That being said, I'm going to take this year to work on getting out and joining. Sewing classes, book clubs, Mommy and Me classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and meet some people. Otherwise, I'll never make any friends!

So there you have it - my perspective-giving list of the things I'd like to focus on this year to better myself. It's a few days late and a product of new-parent anxiety and new-location loneliness but it's a good list nonetheless.

Happy New Year!