This First Parting That There Was Among Us

Chestnut on the day she was adopted in January 2006

Yesterday morning at 8:00am, our five year old tortoiseshell cat Chestnut died. Craig was gone for the weekend at a winter retreat with his youth group and I was still in bed at the time. The cats had been sleeping in the baby crib and I heard them start to fight each other. Chestnut went to jump out of the crib and must have caught herself somehow; possibly on a bumper tie, a thread from the mobile, or simply her claw in the bumper side; and she fell into a large canvas bin that sits next to the crib. The bin has a couple blankets at the bottom of it.

I heard a bit of scrabbling and then one very off-sounding and plaintive cries. I knew something was off but thought maybe she just couldn't get out of the bin on her own. I got out of bed, looked over into the bin and realized she wasn't moving and was on her side with her face against the bin side and facing a bit down. I scrambled to find my glasses and the light and came back to look, all the while calling her name. She hadn't moved at all and wasn't making any more sounds. Thinking she might have hurt a leg or her neck, I gently scooped her up and moved her onto the bed. Her eyes and mouth were open. She coughed twice in what I can only guess was an attempt to breath, and then she was gone. Her pupils got very large and I could feel no heartbeat or breath.

Sobbing, I tried to call Craig but knew that there was no signal on the mountain where his group was camped. I called my dad immediately after and checked Chestnut several more times for signs of life while on the phone with him, knowing full well that she was gone. After calming down to some degree, I called a local emergency vet for a price so that I could have Chestnut cremated. Apartment living doesn't really lend itself to pet burials in the back yard and there was NO WAY I was throwing her in the dumpster.

I have never felt so alone at that moment. New enough to town to have few friends, husband gone, no real relationship with a vet, family far away. Bleh. I was able to reach my friend Deb who was just getting off her work shift. Serendipitously, she was heading to her vet with her puppy and son and she offered to call them for me and then come get me. I said I could actually come over myself and tag along - wreck that I was.

All the while, I'm trying to remain as calm as possible because extra stress isn't so great for preggos - especially preggos not so far out from their due date. I took deep breaths, drank water, and made myself pack some food in my purse to take to Deb's so I would at least eat something. I showered and cried, got the cat carrier down and cried, and went back into my bedroom to put Chestnut in the carrier for the final time and cried.

The door to my bedroom had been closed to keep Brigid and Pecan from bothering her body and/or wigging out. Going back in, the room smelled like cat urine and death. Her eyes were getting a touch cloudy and it was an awful feeling to lift that small, still-warm body and place her onto her blanket and then build the carrier around her. I took her down to my car and then came back to clean off the comforter of her urine smell and for the rest of my stuff.

Driving to Deb's bothered me more than I expected because normally with Chestnut and car rides she'd cry a lot and I'd have to put my fingers in the crate so she could rub on them to calm down. The new silence was disconcerting at best.

The rest of the day went as expected. Deb was awesome. The vet office was kind but heart-breaking. The apartment was emptier without her. Craig and I finally got a hold of each other after I left Deb's and I felt horrible sharing the bad news with him. Chestnut was, although adopted by me prior to meeting Craig, truly his cat. She loved his smell and would fuss over him if given the opportunity. He also felt really bad about not being there but who can predict a freak accident. It was good to talk to my best friend though, even when delivering bad news.

I worked that night and my manager was awesome and we shared kitty stories and laughed. I bought some Benadryl thinking it would help me sleep (as suggested by my OB) because all I could see in my mind's eye were images of her prone in the bin and then on the bed after she had passed. Awfulness. I even slept in the spare room that night. I didn't want to be in the bed alone where she passed. I never did use the medicine though as I started having a few contractions later that evening, nothing "actual" but more than normal and I didn't want to be drugged up if I had to drive myself to L&D if they got any worse. Thankfully they went away with some rest and water and I was so tired from the day that I slept fairly well. Pecan kept me up with an hour of purring and cuddling at 6am but I didn't mind. The company was nice.

Now, a day later, the apartment still feels empty and both Craig and I are a bit subdued. Chestnut was an awesome cat and will be truly missed. I'm thankful I was there for her accident instead of finding her in the bin hours later. I don't want my comforter and duvet cover any more. I can still see her on them. I know the awfulness of it all will fade and the good memories will remain. We're not jumping to replace her any time soon. We're just keeping a close eye on how Pecan is coping and waiting for the right time after the baby arrives. Until then, we'll look back on the four years we got to spend with our wonderful Chestnut. She was loved and is missed.

Chestnut looking a bit more world-weary in July of 2009

Squee!

Jasper Fforde and I at the fabulous Seattle Mystery Bookshop on Cherry Street. He signed my book and made my day!

Truth or Dare

Truth: While I love living here, there are some times I really (REALLY) miss the east coast.

It doesn't happen often but I do have pangs of regret that we moved so far away (though most of the time I just think it'd be nicer if our country wasn't so wide! hehe) I was flipping through my Preservation Magazine the other day, reading the ads in the back, and it struck me that we live SO FAR AWAY from so many of the places that we a) wanted to visit or b) wanted to go back and visit again. No plantations out here. No vacation drive to New England here. No easily planned trip to Philadelphia or New York or Savannah here. I recognize it's just a change of scenery because we do have a lot of untapped trip taking/history finding resources here. I'm just not familiar with them all yet. Definite easy trip to Vancouver/Victoria here. Easy day trip to Seattle. Vacation drive down the 5 and/or PCH here. Easily planned trip to Vegas or LA or Portland or any of the "big" national parks here.

In truth, it's not that we have less to do it's just that we have different things to do. We're also expecting our Big Life Changing Event (ie the baby) soon so we're not really thinking about taking trips right now, more like finding storage for baby clothes instead. Also, I'm in two weddings this year which (having finally sat down and calculated air fare, car rental, hotel, etc) will be felt for quite sometime in our pocketbook region (though so totally worth it for both!) - local is better for us.

Truth: I miss driving to WV/PA to visit family.

I saw an ad on fb for Sarris chocolate and it made me think that last Easter we were up visiting his parents. (We stopped by the Sarris factory/store for a treat coming back from Pittsburgh one day.) I don't miss the small bed pushed up against the popcorn wall that we slept in or the late nights getting back but I really miss being able to visit family for the weekend. We're pretty close to my parents here (well about 2xs the distance we were to Craig's) so it's not like we never get to see anyone but it was nice to be able to load up the car, leave in the early am and get there before dinner. It was nice to see everyone there and to explore Craig's old stomping grounds with him as a tour guide.

Unfortunately there's not really any middle ground when it comes to our families. If we're close to one, we're far from the other. They live on opposite coasts and Craig and I don't really want to live in TX and split the distance. :) Luckily, both sets are healthy and able to visit and we both want to travel to see everyone once the baby's big enough and we have enough money. Sadly, we wanted to take a trip to Chicago and see some of the family this summer (his grandpa who doesn't fly and my grandma who's in a nursing home) but we've realized that the weddings are going to cost too much for us to do that this year unless I stumble into a really well-paying job. I haven't had luck finding ANY kind of job so we'll see about that! I'm not too worried though. If not this year, definitely next year! :)

Today = Awesome

My Awesome Day

• Woke up late.
• Perused the internet, ate breakfast.
• Showered late, got dressed.
• Took clean, easy-to-use public transportation into the city.
• Spent a little while window shopping in Pioneer Square.
• Bought Jasper Fforde's new book.
• Perused a fantastic selection of mystery books for about 45 minutes until Jasper Fforde arrived and set up a station to sign books.
• Got my book signed by Fforde, hung around a few more minutes, got my picture taken with him. (EEP!)
• Grabbed coffee with Craig to get warm before journeying back home.
• Arrived home to find that the stroller we had registered for had arrived (Thanks Dad and Mom Falvo!)
• Put together said stroller in 15 minutes.
• Ate a tasty dinner prepared by Craig, talked with my parents, and watched some tv.

More tidbits and a photo to follow tomorrow about the signing. I think it's time to crawl into bed and get some rest.

Babies, breathing, and hospital rooms

Our first childbirth/prenatal class is over. It was better than expected though equally unnerving. We were one of twelve or thirteen other couples, all fairly close in pregnancy progression. The class lasted 2 1/2 hours. Luckily snacks were provided! :)

The first hour was fairly boring as the lady leading it just talked about pregnancy advice and concerns which would have been great were I not already 30 weeks preggo and already familiar with everything. :)

After a quick break, we were taken on a tour of the childbirth center. That was very cool! They have two family areas to have people sit and wait. They have two OR rooms for C-sections. The private rooms where you labor and stay are pretty nice by hospital standards. They're warmer in color, come equipped with a two person hot tub for labor help, and bed/window seat for the spouse/partner should they stay. The baby stays in the room with you the whole time as well, assuming there aren't any complications. Pretty swanky.

Hospitals in general make me feel slightly uneasy. No matter the veneer, it's always very clinical and odd underneath. Thank goodness Craig is comfortable in a hospital setting as his mom's a nurse and he's been injured and/or sick and admitted a not insignificant amount of times. He's also an incredibly supportive husband who deals well with my unease. He'll be an awesome support person!

After the tour we watched a portion of a video showing two different women giving birth. Actually giving birth. One was completely natural and the other had painkillers but not an epidural. It was alternatingly horrifying and fascinating. Had I been in my own home, I would have cried (like a baby, in fact) each time the child was born. It was an amazing sight, tempered only by the fact that a tiny voice in the back of my head was crying out, "Pain! Lots of pain and that's going to be you in just a short time!" hehe

We ended the first class with some breathing exercises. I don't expect to remember all of it and be so calm during the actual labor and delivery but it was nice to have done something to draw upon when the time comes. I'm the kind of person who needs those reference points, if only to decide they don't work for me.

I'm looking forward to our next class and to learning a bit more. I'm REALLY looking forward to actually giving birth to our little girl and finally meeting her. Given her insistent kicking and rolling over, especially when my posture's not so hot, gives me reason to think she's a bit of a firebrand! :)

Eventful day = tired girl

I had a good day! I sound so surprised but today felt like a normal day from when I was in South Carolina and it's been a really long time since I've been able to say that.

I got up at a normal time (nothing unusual there), assisted in wrangling the cats into their respective crates for a trip to the vet (it's a yearly traumatic event for Pecan and I have the wounds to prove it), and finally, lo and behold, I spent the rest of the day with a friend and out among the living. It was awesome! We didn't do much - went to the nearby Air Force base to go to the exchange to look for shoes and purses (which made me think of Kristen and our trip to Camp Pendleton's on a similar trip and made me miss her), ate lunch at Del Taco (yay!), and ended up back at her place chatting.

Simple and yet so phenomenally welcome! I was out and about and busy all day and I felt human! :) *deep contented sigh*

Blog bloggity blog

In an effort to keep myself focused and a bit more aware of time and the like, I've signed myself up for NaBloPoMo, aka National Blog Posting Month! It's a take-off of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) that's widened from one month of hectic daily blogging to a year of hectic daily blogging.

I created a profile on there and hope it will keep me focused enough to try and blog a bit more often. The site is interested and once I make a full month of posts, I can enter myself into a prize raffle and/or a blog role should I choose. There are also monthly themes and posting ideas to help those of us with writer's block churn out postings. And thus, I am actually on this blog two days in a row. Craziness! :)

The theme for January is "BEST" which makes a lot of sense. People come into the new year with the mental image of a clean slate. Gyms fill with the fitness-hopeful, closets and pantries are cleaned out, lists are made and so on all in the hopes of bettering ourselves. My post from yesterday is just such an example. January is the universally accepted month for taking stock of one's life and attempting to tweak, stretch, and pull one's self into something better.

I've made my list, as yesterday's post proves, and now I'm working toward my goals. I sat down this evening and jotted notes to myself for tomorrow. A "to do" list, a "to call" list, a "to measure/to look up/to think about" and so on. I don't work tomorrow so I have a bit of time on my hands to be productive. I do have to take the cats to the vet (that should be an adventure) and I start a spiritual gifts class at church in the evening but I plan on spending the rest of my day on my "To..." lists.

Can you tell I'm big on lists?! They help me remain focused when my eye wanders ("Ooh - pretty! Shiny!") and they also help me visualize what I've completed. While not exactly a gold star, it works.

I plan to make January (and the rest of the year) a journey to my BEST through lists and constant stops to refocus and rethink. I sound a bit cheesy but the knowledge of having a little person entering this work in less than 3 months and depending solely on myself and my husband is amazingly transformative (for the better and maybe the cheesier, I think). :)

Perspective

I think I said it best a few weeks ago on Facebook when I stated that I alternate feeling awash in and strained for time. Time seems to drag on for days and then in the blink of an eye weeks have vanished. I attribute this phenomenon to two things:

1. My lack of a consistent job and therefore a consistent schedule. Without structure, I find myself sort of floating around.
2. The gloomy skies here most days and the difference in how long the sun stays up. We're so much further north than where we were that we have less sunlight. That coupled with the fact that most of the time the sunlight's covered over by clouds or rain leaves me feeling always a little bit off as to what time it is.

All of that being said, I have decided I do not enjoy this nebulous time that I have found myself in. I need structure and goals and because there is no one to give that to me, I will have to create my own.

It's 2010. I'll be a mother in 2 1/2 months, married for 3 years by summer, in two of my closest friends' weddings this fall, and 30 before we ring in 2011. It's a big year and I want to make the most of it - or at least make a grasping attempt to control it before it zips by me in a blur of diapers, tears, laughter, and bills.

Emotionally overwrought (thanks preggo hormones) and stressed by finances and new situations, I had a bit of a panic attack last night. Fortunately Craig was there and able to talk me down, as it were. He listened, gave hugs, and asked questions to help me sort out what I was worried about - baby or job or money or loneliness. Thank goodness we usually alternate having bad/weak days. I don't know what we'd do if we both broke down on the same day! :) We talked for a quite a while, watched a funny movie from Netflix for a bit of an escape, and I came out the other end feeling quite a bit calmer about life.

Later that night I laid in bed for a little while with a blank notebook and just made lists and notes of the various things I think might be important or worth completing this year. It was an attempt to get my head around the changes happening in our household and what I can/should do about them. I didn't come up with resolutions so much as ways to redefine how I view myself and interact with the world - perspective shifts, I guess. Some old standards are on there and some new ones.

Perspectives and Goals for 2010

1. Be the best mom I can be.

This is a BIG year for me with this one. I will be holding (and changing and soothing and nursing and entertaining) a tiny little girl, MY tiny little girl, in just a few months and I feel SO unprepared. There are moments when I think, "I can totally do this!" and moments where the realization that I don't know the "right" diaper bag that would best benefit baby and me leaves me in tears and with doubts. Luckily, our little girl is coming whether I'm ready or not and I know in my heart that I'll be able to provide her with what she needs.

2. Getting healthy/fit

Ahh - my old standby. Health, fitness, weight loss...gotta love it. However, I find myself at a much different place with this perspective/goal this year than in years past. I now have to build back stamina to keep up with a little one. My body's been stretching/shifting/changing to help her grow and I'm going to have to fight an already uphill battle to get it into any semblance of "shape" after she arrives.

Pregnancy has made me realize I miss working out (to a degree). I've been walking and doing stretches while preggo but I haven't been hitting the elliptical or doing anything really hard and I miss being able to put on loud, angry music and sweating away a worry or an argument or a crappy day. I'd like to get back to that place.

And the final, and vanity-driven, reasons for getting fit - wedding, wedding, birthday. I am in two weddings this fall and I'd really (REALLY) like to look decent for them for the happy couples and for myself. I'm also going to be 30 this year (Gah!) and I'm at a place right now where most all that I pictured for myself at 30 is falling into place - married, kids, dog, cat(s). The owning our own house is not going to happen. Having a job I like and a body I like are my two things to work on!

3. Finish What I Start

I'm a quitter. I start things and get distracted or bored or hit a snag and quit. This is a year where I'm going to work to change that. I've got scrapbooking projects, writing projects, sewing aspirations (I'm not even at the project level yet), gift ideas, cooking projects, baby projects and I'm not doing with anything yet. This is my year to teach myself how to keep moving, keep going. I want to set a good example for my daughter.

4. Try New Things

Few people would argue that I'm introverted. I'm chatty and outgoing and I love being around people. It's the worst when Craig leaves for work and I have nothing on my plate for the day. I know no one and I have the worst anxiety about going somewhere by myself. Let me clarify. I love going shopping by myself, taking drives by myself, going to the movies alone, etc. I don't like going to group settings where I don't know anyone. I may be outgoing but it takes me a while to get comfortable enough in a setting to be my chatty self. That being said, I'm going to take this year to work on getting out and joining. Sewing classes, book clubs, Mommy and Me classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and meet some people. Otherwise, I'll never make any friends!

So there you have it - my perspective-giving list of the things I'd like to focus on this year to better myself. It's a few days late and a product of new-parent anxiety and new-location loneliness but it's a good list nonetheless.

Happy New Year!