My name is McKenzie and I have an addiction.
(Hi, McKenzie.)
I fixate. I am a fixator. Fixating makes me happy and crazy. There…I said it. I have always known I have a tendency to hone in and hover around some thought/idea/plan that I have until it either blossoms or dies under the weight of my gaze. Little things like the realization that soon I will need a haircut or a new pair of shoes will drive me to distraction.
The process goes something like this: McKenzie realizes that her hair is growing a little wild and probably needs some pruning. She also remembers how much she likes haircuts and it makes her smile. Maybe she doesn’t have the money or the inkling of what to do with her hair when she goes in so she waits a bit while saving and/or thinking it over. It’s during this waiting that she begins to realize how much her current haircut is driving her nuts or how long her bangs are or how she really ought to color away those grays (because she’s not even 30 for Pete’s sake!) and so she thinks more and more and more about her haircut until she finally gives in before she has an idea or the money and makes the appointment. The same scenario plays out for really anything that I decide could work out. I do this for vacations and for rearranging rooms and everything else.
I am just now learning that I am not the long-term fixator I once thought I was. I obsess in spurts. I obsess over something until it ceases to be new and I can let it alone and move on. I think I’ve never really known that about myself because the things I notice that I fixate on the most are the little things like the aforementioned haircuts or the fact that “I don’t have any good basic black flats! Gah! Ugh, I don’t have any good shoes at all! I need shoes! I must find black flats!” and so on and so forth. I give in to these minor urges and the demand for change goes away. My husband would say that I get bored easily and that adds fuel to my obsession fire. He’s probably right.
However, it’s only been with Craig’s job search, our subsequent musings on where we see ourselves through this year and next, and our contemplations on starting a family that I’ve realized that my fixations are finite in their lives though every now and then they can flare up like the worst case of heartburn ever.
You see, Craig’s graduating at an absolutely terrible time for everyone hunting for jobs and especially for the fantastically specialized and isolated world of church ministry, social outreach, etc. Take his specific degree (Master of Divinity), his gifts of outreach and service to the community through a congregation, and the lack of interest our churchwide organization shows his particular calling (Diaconal Ministry – not an ordained minister but a consecrated layperson that’s official with the roles of the church as a whole) and you end up with next to nada in the job opportunities. We currently have a map pinned to our wall on the way to our bedroom that has a pushpin color-coded system for his job applications. Out of 31 total pins up (ie 31 job applications), Craig has pins up in 18 states. Most are pink. A few are blue, though most of those should be changed to pink. One is orange.
Colors:
Blue = application sent.
Orange = 1 interview done, no word.
Purple = 2 interviews done, no word
Yellow = Job – yay!
Pink = Rejection letter
We have a lot of pink for a number of different reasons such as:
a) Thanks but we were only posting it to prove that we’re EEO and we’ve already got our person.
b) We found a better fit.
c) We really like you but can only afford a part time person.
d) We can’t afford anyone at all and have to take down the posting.
Every time we find somewhere new, I fixate. I do this partly to convince myself that I could live wherever it is that he’s applied – be in Minneapolis, MN or Podunk, MI or Seattle, WA. I look up the city. I look at its history (on wikipedia – so it’s all true, right?), its housing market prices, its job market, the distance it is from a bigger city and/or an airport. I do my research to calm myself down and stop my initial reaction of closemindedness. I also do it to get excited. I fell in love with several homes in a small suburb of Chicago before the weird interview Craig had that was short, strange, and thankfully didn’t lead to a job. I decided I could live in flat-as-a-pancake Kansas because it was close to one of my best friends (well, closer than here) and had an airport that could get us quickly and cheaply home to both sets of parents for visits before that church realized it couldn’t afford the full time person it thought it could. I’ve come to grips with and then come to love a number of the places Craig has applied only to have my carefully constructed hopes dashed when, like most job applications, it doesn’t work out. Luckily, I rebound fairly quickly and move on to the next place.
In the last month or so, possible places to apply have dried up and I find myself rationalizing and obsessing about the city we currently live in and the place in our lives we are right now. We both vascilate back and forth between being okay with being here for a while longer while I keep my awesome job and we go further into student debt while pulling ourselves out of credit card debt and not being okay with being in a place we have no intention of being long term. We both crave the ability to plant roots and belong but we’re also both fairly happy with our current situation.
That was a very long introduction to my announcement that I am a short-term fixator. I seek the thrill of the new. Therefore, after a few days to a week or two depending, the thrill of the potential new job and completely new place has worn off and I lose interest. I don’t lose interest in the place itself but in the but because it wasn’t instantaneous (hello my unusually absurd expectations about weight loss and fitness) I chalk it up as over and move on. It goes into my mental pot on the backburner – always there but contained in a giant pot of "Probably Never Going to Happen" or perhaps the pressure cooker of "Something Will Eventually Happen that You Can Control so STOP Worrying about It!"
Lately, I have been very good at throwing everything that comes my way regarding living situations, potential jobs, and everything related to Craig's call into my pressure cooker of "STOP Worrying!" but I had a relapse of fixation today. Craig's applying to a job in southern Indiana. We don't know if the job will be a good fit. We don't know if they'll even want talk to him. We also don't know what the pay is and therefore if we can even swing moving. BUT...and it's a big but...it's in southern Indiana. Beautiful country, close to family, close to an airport that flies us to either of our immediate families. My entire family is from Indiana and while my parents fled for the west coast, most everyone else stayed. It's a beautiful place. I love visiting. I love the people. This town in particular is heralded for its architecture, it's proximity to a college town and to Indianapolis. It would be awesome! Plus - it's Indiana so housing isn't that expensive. :) I had a relapse today and spent the afternoon reading up on it in Wikipedia, looking at housing market ranges, and checking it out via Google maps.
It was clear that by 4pm I was quickly losing what little ground I had gained in the past few weeks with my Zen attitude about this whole call/job/life question. I had to take a deep breath, admit to myself that it would be sweet! to live in this area, and move on. I did not (and this is big for me) peruse the job market there "just to see." I even stopped looking at houses because it's painful 1) if I find anything teh awesome there and 2) because we couldn't buy even if we wanted to. I had some water, chewed some gum, and did some actual work to clear my head of cobwebs made of sparkles and obsessive dreams. :)
This mini-fixation lapse came on the heels of another crack in my Zen exterior, another story for another day, that led me to the realization that I am a mini-fixator, a micro-obsessor. I am working on a Zen approach - working on being calm about changes, peaceful in the face of things I cannot change, and proactive (but not crazy) in the things I can change. Craig gave me a bible verse to keep in mind when I'm raging against the wind. I find it helps me get that there's a bigger picture out there.
Jeremiah 29:11-13: "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future of hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart." There are big plans in the making.
