Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Alert: Adulthood!

I am an adult. This fact is something I usually just acknowledge and work with. I own a car. I pay bills. I have a steady job (that will end on Friday but that's neither here nor there). I have an IRA. I am married. I have three animals that depend on me. All of these are facts that don't really seem that huge to me possibly because these are daily items in my life. They don't give me pause or send shivers down my spine. They are just aspects of my life, some I love (hi Craig, Chestnut, Pecan, and Brigid) and some I don't (bleh bills).

I only have these shivers of adulthood once in a while and when they come I experience moments that I can only describe as not unlike those scenes in movies where someone is standing in the foreground and then the scene behind them, usually a hallway or a room, lengthens and stretches in such a way to give you a sense of shrinking movement. I feel a sense of my universe expanding with these moments - shifting and changing the bonds around me.

This evening, sometime after dinner, my universe expanded when I had the slowly dawning realization that Craig and I will be hosting our first Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. Whoa. Major adult moment. We've done the solitary holidays. Our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as Falvos were sans family and were totally awesome. They weren't awesome because we didn't have any family. They were awesome because we started a couple new traditions and just got to relax together. We've also had some family holidays. Last Thanksgiving we spent time in Florida with Craig's family for the holiday and a wedding. Last Christmas we visited my family in California. Never have we hosted family for a holiday.

I'm completely excited!! It'll will be weird and terrific and memorable all at once. We're not sure yet if Christmas will be a both-sides event but we know that my family will be up for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Craig's already thinking about the size of the turkey he'll need; I'm already thinking about the size of the Christmas tree I'll need; and my father's already thinking about whether or not we'll be able to pick up the Macy's Parade. :D Teh awesome.

And on a smaller (and yet way bigger) note, if the thought of being the ones hosting the holidays wasn't daunting enough, the growing Bean inside me gives me pause more often than not about how quickly my life is changing. I texted Craig today after I ate lunch because of the amount of swish-y movement I felt in my belly. Friends are starting to notice the changes. I can no longer wear the pants I like. There's definitely a baby inside me and life will never be the same. How awesome in every definition of the word!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Long Legs Big Belly

Apparently in the maternity world, you can either be fat or tall. I can't be too upset because I recognize that were I not on the larger end of the scale, I probably wouldn't be having this problem but it's still frustrating. I say probably because pants with the right inseam has been a life-long quest for me, through both the lean and the fat years.

Regular pants with inseams at 32" are *justbarely* right so long as, in the words of a friend, they don't even look at a dryer. I prefer a 34" because I can wear wedges or flats and both look okay. Pre-pregnancy it was hard enough to find longer lengths on pants. Lane Bryant has stuff but their store can be frustrating. My problems below:
  • First is the cost - ouch! This just leads me to try other stores and gnash my teeth in agony over their lack of pant length (Target, I'm looking at you) or their lack of an actual bricks-and-mortar plus size section, forcing me instead to contemplate the clothes presented in the ephemera of the Internet and wonder what they will fit like because Lord know that people, especially those of the lumpier persuasion, love to buy their clothes without make sure they don't bulge, pull, or slide off first (Old Navy/Gap/etc, I'm looking at you).
  • Second - vanity sizing. For the love of pete (Love of Pete? love of Pete?...not sure of the capitalization there), I shop in that store because I'm not as skinny as I once was. I don't need a pant saying I'm a size 4 to make me feel better! I was never a size 4 to begin with. It just makes finding the right jeans/pants a pain in the ass!
  • Third is waist level - the lowest of the low waists are still really kind of high. I don't want pants so low that they make people think I'm a plumber as a second job but I would like to be able to wear pants that don't come up to my armpits. Okay, I'm exaggerating a little but I would like something a tad lower than above/at the belly button. I'm fairly certain I'm not the shortest-torsoed person to shop there so I'm curious as to how others handle it. Although, on second though, I also don't have the booty that I see sometimes there so maybe that lowers the waistband for you? Hmm...
  • Fourth is length - ironically, their "longs" are often WAY too long. I'm not too upset about third because I have seen some really, REALLY tall women in that store and if I have a hard time at 5'9"/5'10" on a good day finding pants, I can't imagine how women well over 6' do it. Cost at LB is what mostly keeps me away, though since they started vanity sizing stuff I find the trips so ridiculously irritating for common sense and for practicality that I've stopped going.
This long rant about LB is a bit off-topic but it's all tied in to my Sisyphus-esque struggle toward the perfect pair of pants. I'm sure I could have picked a better tragic reference but it's early and I haven't had substantial caffeine since June. :)

Anyway, what this all leads into is that prior to my swelling belly and my Bean, if I wanted to spend the big bucks and the time sorting through a rather confusing chart of sizing, I could find a pair of jeans/pants long enough to suit me. I might even get lucky, as I did once, with a pair of $10 pants from Wal-Mart of all places, that for the most part are teh awesome. However, that ability has apparently disappeared only slightly more quickly than I fear my feet will.

I bought my first maternity clothes yesterday. It was both nifty and terrifying. It has been very hard for me to justify spending money, any kind of money, on clothing I know with absolute certainty I won't be wearing next fall and I hopefully won't be wearing ever again. (I've already informed Craig that once the baby comes, I'll be taking full advantage of this new-fangled metabolism I seem to have and will be dropping this weight. I have two weddings next fall and while I doubt I'll be "smokin'", I'm sure I'll be able to muster up a jaw drop or two. I also informed him that should we be blessed with any more kids, I want to be able to shop in the normal, and thus bigger, sections. He laughed and said he was with me all the way.) So with the cost vs. the relative term of use in mind, I didn't really want to spend a fortune.

I had looked at JC Penney's store and online in hopes of finding some good pants. The benefit of current trends is that there are a lot of loose tops with folds and pleating that mean I can wear most of my sweaters, shirts, and dresses until fairly late in the game. It's the pants that are the problem. I haven't completely popped yet but even with my Bella band, my jeans and work pants are becoming uncomfortable. I needed something for work and play. JC Penney has a great collection of stuff online but in stores, not so much. Additionally, online you can pick from an array of body types but never do "plus size" and "tall" meet. Le sigh. I found a couple cute things but was really, REALLY leery of buying pants online without having tried them on. I then went to Motherhood's online store and found some cute stuff, again leery of buying online.

So for a week I hemmed and hawed and decided to just screw it and not get anything. That stuck for a whole five days. Yesterday, I was out running some errands out at the infamously trafficky Harbison mall and it dawned on me that Motherhood's actual store might have something. I had been in once to look for a dress but as the store itself was kind of small and the Plus size section was maybe two racks of stuff, I had had no luck and thus had written it off. I figured I'd go give them another shot.

The store was still tiny, and the selection for me still small but they did have pants and THANK GOODNESS I tried them on. I assumed I was bigger than I was and all that pants were falling off. hehe I found a pair of black twill pants and a pair of jeans. Both are *justbarelyok* length-wise but it's really the best that I can do. The girl in the store said they had longs in the regulars and the biggest regulars were stretch so that might work but really, who wants to see that? I don't. :) I don't plan on buying loads of preggo clothes and the next go-round I won't have this problem so I'm not too worried about it in the long run but man is it frustrating in the short-run!

I am now the proud owner of two pairs of maternity pants. Weird and pretty cool. It means my body's doing what it is supposed to which means the Bean is doing what it is supposed to. I had a spring in my step leaving the store with a bag that announced to every nosey person in the mall who reads other people's bags, "Nope, I am NOT chowing down on donuts at an alarming rate. No, that's not a beer gut. I'm pregnant!"

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Tiny Heartbeats!

This is a belated post for which I plead hardship and laziness! I didn't have internet at home at the time and I can't get to blogger at work!

I went in for my third doctor's appointment on October 1st. I was, as I am at all visits, nervous that even though there have been no signs there is something wrong. At the appointment previously, the doctor couldn't pick up the heartbeat because the Bean kept moving around like crazy. We saw it on the ultrasound and the doctor said she saw a strong heartbeat but we couldn't hear anything. This visit was to listen to the heart and just make sure all was okay. I was worried (because that's what I do) and hoped everything was okay. Luckily everything went perfectly!

My blood pressure was lower than last time and spot on perfect! I gained a whole 1lb which is exactly what the doctor told me I should gain in a month. So weight-wise I'm now back at my pre-prego weight. I gained gained 3 right away, lost 4 during the remainder of the 1st trimester, and this 1 lb gain means I'm back. Yay! (This may seem obsessive to some but being overweight, I'm watching this closely to make sure I'm a safe place for the Bean to grow!)

And...the best news of all...I heard the heartbeat! It was a strong, steady 156 bpm. :) So cool! The doctor was really happy with that and said everything felt/looked great! My belly's starting to poke out but it hasn't done the rounded prego thing - I just look like I've been eating junk food a lot. :)

I'm hoping that the new OB (no, I don't have one yet but we're still waiting on our new insurance information) will want to do the big ultrasound that tells us "boy vs girl" sooner rather than later. I'm now 17 weeks so by the time I'm up in the Seattle area and have an appointment I'll be around 20 weeks or later! Can't wait! :)

Ahh...hormones

I wanted to title this "You know you're pregnant when..." but the truth be told, I've been really lucky when it comes to pregnancy symptoms. I haven't had morning sickness, food aversions, serious food cravings, really sensitive pregnancy nose (I do have that a little), sleep issues (yet), internal issues/gas, horrible soreness...the list goes on and on. Like I said, I've been lucky. However, this last week I've been awash in hormones - weepy, sad hormones. It started around Saturday/Sunday with some general crabbiness and loneliness.

Craig's been gone since September 19th. I've been living at my friend Rebekah's place since September 20th. (Yay Rebekah!) Mostly, it's been fine. I've been busy and occupied so it hasn't felt really weird. Rebekah's dog Macy and our Brigid have been keeping me more than busy. However, I have increasingly felt out of place. My books, my clothes, my cats, my husband - all 3000 miles away. I've noticed it more and more as things I have always done in Columbia begin to come to an end. Craig and I said goodbye together to the church we attended. Places I'd go with Craig - movies, shopping, restaurants - I don't really go now because of cost/time/effort. I'm experiencing a slow goodbye with Columbia and it's weirder than I expected it to be. It's this goodbye that's getting to me. It makes me feel fairly solitary even when I'm with other people. They talk of their plans in a few week's or a month's time and I don't really have plans because I'm in stasis here before moving on.

This experience has been weird but it wasn't sucky until this last week. I spent Monday night in tears on the phone with Craig. I was sad and lonely and hormonal. I was also a little unsettled from having gotten a flu shot. I've never had one before and it was unsettling in a way that I can't explain. Nothing had happened. It was just bleh. Tuesday night was the worst as several things happened/coincided to make me feel completely unimportant and disposable. Wednesay and Thursday I was feeling better but by Friday the feelings of earlier in the week - loneliness, a sense of being apart, general crappiness - all came back with a rush. I said goodbye to my supervisors (she's at a conference next week which is my last week) and that was really sad. I've had a lot of supervisors through the years and she's one of my favorites. I cried on and off all the way home and then spent a good portion of an hour crying before watching some tv. I finally gave up and went to bed before 9pm. Today I watched the Office wedding on the internet and I cried because it made me miss Craig. lol I'm a basketcase!

I know that a good portion of all of these tears and issues are pregnancy hormones. I've had to say goodbye and leave a lot of places so this isn't new. I'm also really excited to get to a new place and start planting some roots. My brother flies in in a week and my parents will be up for Thanksgiving so family time is just around the corner. (On a side note, it's been almost 5 years since I've had Thanksgiving with my family so I'm STOKED!) The baby's heartbeat was strong at the last visit, my weight's on track, my blood pressure rocks, and I *think* I'm feeling some beginning flutters so the Bean's doing well. Life is essentially great and yet I'm a big knot of woe lately. Go hormones!

I feel bad for Craig because he's dealing with a teary, pregnant wife over the phone. Phones are not our communication medium of choice and I think it's wigging him out a little. I've devoted today to nurturing me. I got some decaf iced coffee this morning and added my daily glass of milk to it. I need to clean a bit, apply for some jobs, and maybe even give myself a pedicure. I think a day of calm like that will help me feel a bit more normal/grounded. After all, I want to enjoy my last few days here and say goodbye to my friends without being crazy! :)