Craig's been gone since September 19th. I've been living at my friend Rebekah's place since September 20th. (Yay Rebekah!) Mostly, it's been fine. I've been busy and occupied so it hasn't felt really weird. Rebekah's dog Macy and our Brigid have been keeping me more than busy. However, I have increasingly felt out of place. My books, my clothes, my cats, my husband - all 3000 miles away. I've noticed it more and more as things I have always done in Columbia begin to come to an end. Craig and I said goodbye together to the church we attended. Places I'd go with Craig - movies, shopping, restaurants - I don't really go now because of cost/time/effort. I'm experiencing a slow goodbye with Columbia and it's weirder than I expected it to be. It's this goodbye that's getting to me. It makes me feel fairly solitary even when I'm with other people. They talk of their plans in a few week's or a month's time and I don't really have plans because I'm in stasis here before moving on.
This experience has been weird but it wasn't sucky until this last week. I spent Monday night in tears on the phone with Craig. I was sad and lonely and hormonal. I was also a little unsettled from having gotten a flu shot. I've never had one before and it was unsettling in a way that I can't explain. Nothing had happened. It was just bleh. Tuesday night was the worst as several things happened/coincided to make me feel completely unimportant and disposable. Wednesay and Thursday I was feeling better but by Friday the feelings of earlier in the week - loneliness, a sense of being apart, general crappiness - all came back with a rush. I said goodbye to my supervisors (she's at a conference next week which is my last week) and that was really sad. I've had a lot of supervisors through the years and she's one of my favorites. I cried on and off all the way home and then spent a good portion of an hour crying before watching some tv. I finally gave up and went to bed before 9pm. Today I watched the Office wedding on the internet and I cried because it made me miss Craig. lol I'm a basketcase!
I know that a good portion of all of these tears and issues are pregnancy hormones. I've had to say goodbye and leave a lot of places so this isn't new. I'm also really excited to get to a new place and start planting some roots. My brother flies in in a week and my parents will be up for Thanksgiving so family time is just around the corner. (On a side note, it's been almost 5 years since I've had Thanksgiving with my family so I'm STOKED!) The baby's heartbeat was strong at the last visit, my weight's on track, my blood pressure rocks, and I *think* I'm feeling some beginning flutters so the Bean's doing well. Life is essentially great and yet I'm a big knot of woe lately. Go hormones!
I feel bad for Craig because he's dealing with a teary, pregnant wife over the phone. Phones are not our communication medium of choice and I think it's wigging him out a little. I've devoted today to nurturing me. I got some decaf iced coffee this morning and added my daily glass of milk to it. I need to clean a bit, apply for some jobs, and maybe even give myself a pedicure. I think a day of calm like that will help me feel a bit more normal/grounded. After all, I want to enjoy my last few days here and say goodbye to my friends without being crazy! :)
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