I'm a mom.
. . .
Yep, still feels weird to write, even though it's been a month since our bundle of joy (and screams, dirty diapers, and midnight feedings) arrived. I haven't posted anything in quite a while and I keep telling myself I'll get around to writing about my new job, the delivery of my child, and those first few weeks at home but I've come to realize that I can't just hold off posting until I have time for all that or it'll be 18 years from now and I'll be writing a post the size of War and Peace.
I'm still coming to terms with everything motherhood has to offer. I love that I have this tiny little creature with part of my DNA who knows my smell and my voice and (soon) my face. I love that there are times she looks so much like me that it's scary and then the light shifts and she's a carbon copy of her dad. Love! I love the quiet times we spend when I'm nursing her. I love taking walks with Craig and Brigid and having her strapped to me in a carrier, sound asleep.
However, there are a lot of things that I really (REALLY) don't like. I hate that I have lost my freedom to a large degree. This tiny person depends completely on me and I can't do what I want anymore without an inordinate amount of planning prior. I can't just go get my haircut on any given Saturday without a plan between Craig and I. Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without making sure she's safe and secure for five minutes while I'm occupied and Craig is at work. It's incredibly taxing. I hate the fussing and crying that I can't do anything about. I hate that I feel trapped at times by this tiny person who keeps me up late, wakes me up throughout the night, cries and can't tell me why, and needs me 24/7. It's exhilarating and exhausting, all at once.
There are days, well parts of days really, where I feel totally on. I feel like I have a handle on everything. I feel happy. And then there are days, ie the rest of the time, where I feel like I'm barely hanging on. It's like Craig and I are finally learning how to be adults. We're forced to be vigilant about organization, laundry, dishes, trash because if we don't we'd be buried under mounds of dirty clothes, wading through bags of trash not yet taken out, and eating on paper plates because we'd fallen behind just a little bit. There are times I feel like I can nurse the baby no problem and then there are days she screams like I have poison issuing from my body. It's two steps forward, one step back in figuring everything out. We're getting there slowly but surely.
Thank goodness for my mother! Without her common sense and honesty I would feel completely unprepared and horrible at this motherhood thing. She spent the first two and a half weeks with us making sure we ate, slept, and showered. She forced me to stay hydrated and get rest. She cooked and held the baby when she was fussy. My mom also shared with me that she felt like I did for the first few months - that it kind of sucks. The nights are long, the bond is still forming, the diapers are daunting, and the nursing is constant. She hasn't judged me when I've talked. She's just listened and shared. I've always loved my mother but we haven't always gotten along. The high school years, as with most mothers and daughters, were rough. We grew closer through college and beyond. This time, while hard on infinite levels, has been a blessing because I've gotten to know my mother better than I ever expected and I am so appreciative!
Overall, this motherhood thing is a crazy ride and we're only four weeks into it. I'll try to post more when I can find the time. Craig and I are scrambling to figure out what's worth holding onto from our "previous" lives and what can be let go. TV is dwindling, date nights are in the distant future, etc. I'd like to keep this blog going to mark our milestones as a new and growing family. We shall see. :)
