Monday, January 31, 2011

50 Questions That Will Free Your Mind: #1-5

**I tried posting this earlier and the damn thing crashed w/o any autosave so all was lost.  Let's pretend it was the greatest prose ever and now it's gone to the world. 

*moment of silence*

Okay, now on to what is merely a pale imitation of the inspirational prose I wrote earlier (and, I must reiterate, which is now lost to humanity):

I first saw these questions on the blog Dancing Brave which I've been reading for several years and I love.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

On my bad days, I always feel like I'm about 12 years old and people are going to discover that I'm posing as an adult and I'm going to get in big trouble.  Luckily, those days are few and far between.  Typically, I feel about 25.  Close enough to high school to remember but far enough away to thank my lucky stars.  I feel like I have so much potential ahead - bad knees and back be damned!

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Never trying, hands down.  If I had never tried graduate school, I wouldn't have met some of my best friends or married the love of my life.  I wouldn't have had Ella and I wouldn't have ended up 3000 miles away with a handful of awesome new friends and tons of new experiences.  Has it sucked?  Yep - it's sucking right now, in fact.  Was it worth it?  Totally.  Failing is terrible but staying inside with the covers over one's head is even worse.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
Because life is short, not perfect.  Life is full of dentist appointments and waiting in lines and being kind when you really just want to kick someone in the teeth because we live in communities - constantly connected with people.  We can't always just go on vacation when it pleases us or stay home when we don't want to go to that meeting because we live connected with others.  We have to find a balance between what is best for us and for our herd.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
Given the sheer volume of the words that come out of my mouth, I will have said more.  However, knowing that, I am always striving to do more - whether it's around the house, in the community, or for people further afield.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
I would love to see more empathy for our fellow creatures.  Craig and I have talked a lot lately about the concept of the neighbor.  Jesus gave two commandments: Love God.  Love your neighbor.  Too often, we think of neighbors as those like us - the person we share a boundary line with, the person in the supermarket, the parent in the playgroup.  But it's  bigger than that.  It was bigger than that in 15AD and it's even bigger now.  We are so connected as a society and as a global civilization that it's a common truth that what we do here - what we buy, what we don't buy, what causes we support or disparage - affects things on a global scale.  Deliberation and thought should go into the choices we make because they affect our neighbors - be it down the street or in villages in China.  People argue constantly for political philosophies that allow humans half a  country or world away to be chewed up and spit out because the market willed it but they balk when they see it happen to their friends.  I wish more people would realize that the people at the mercy of others and of global forces are someone's friends and maybe a little perspective and empathy would go a long way toward care and love of neighbors the world over.

More questions to come!  :) 

NaBloPoMo Fail

Well, I tried and I failed.  The most important point is that I tried.  This month melted away faster than a snowflake on a tongue and has been a pretty demoralizing one.  I will make an effort in February to use NaBloPoMo to my advantage and get some inspiration to keep writing.  My husband reminds me all the time that I ought to post more. 

To that I say first, I'm trying and second, :-p

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Holy Updates Batman!

In an attempt to try and change my perspective, I'm changing my blog.

When I started this blog, the hubbs and I were in a rather nebulous land of seminary call process/job hunting/random life things.  The Vonnegut quote "Here we are, trapped in the amber of the moment.  There is no why," inspired the domain name and the title and spoke to me very deeply about our lives.  It wasn't about blame or frustration or anything - it just was and we were there to experience and perhaps not to understand.

Time flies when you're having fun and I've been blogging here for almost 2 years.  We've aged, moved, reproduced, and (aside from all that) changed an awful lot.  :-p  The last couple months have been very rough around our household because of some job stress.  I've been trying to think up ways to shake us out of our "Wow things really suck.  They were better when..." thinking because it's really just all rose-colored glasses and not productive.  I wanted a new way of thinking.  We're not just victims of circumstance.  There are reasons we're here, reasons we're at this place at this time.  Like Einstein said, God doesn't screw with the universe and there is something greater at work than a bunch of people promising a job they haven't really been able to support or fund and now thinking maybe they'll just be done with it all never mind we moved thousands of miles with the promise of a job and support that's really just been all rainbows, glitter, and fancy words. (Can you tell I'm really steamed/scared about this?)  That can't be the only reason we're here.  There is a plan.

So anyway, shitty job situation aside, we were also rebounding from illness and injury and feeling more than a little out of sorts.  I decided to start changing the way I think and react.  I can't control a bunch of people with their heads up their ass but I can control myself.  I made a promise on Sunday to be more proactive.  I've been to the gym.  I've tried hard to clean up right after I do something instead of trying to get back to it later.  Yeah, we still have a PILE of clothes in the cradle instead of put where they ought to be, but the dish pile is pretty much non-existent.  I've been reading more, praying more, eating better - all the good stuff - all in an effort to be a better me.

Today I signed onto my blogger account, knowing full well that I've failed mightily in the NaBloPoMo for the month but what evs.  The first thing I noticed was that the tone of the blog didn't match the new me.  I didn't want to be the person just waiting for whatever was going to happen.  I'm done just watching the days melt by without any big steps.

It's time for change.  Life is not about waiting for the world to happen to you and it is not about tearing through hitting all the key marks without understanding.  Life is about experience.  If I sit idily by, soon I'll be up to my elbows in lunchmeat sandwiches and tween drama wondering what happened to my baby girl and all the things I wanted to do.  It's time for me to be a more deliberate person.

To that effect, I've changed the domain name, the title, and the quote.  I'm teaching myself how to appreciate life so that I can both appreciate my family more and pass these lessons on to my daughter.  I've promised myself that 2011 is going to be a good year and this is one step on the path to fulfilling that promise.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

A little fish taught me...

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...just keep swimming*


*Image from Pixar's Finding Nemo  (Awesome movie!) :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Prayer

My prayer life has been lacking as of late. I think about praying. I make entries on my "To Do" list to pray. I talk to Craig about it. I don't do it.

I've found myself angry at God over the past three weeks. Angry that we put faith (and money and time and heartbreak) into Him when we moved across the country for a job that is proving more and more to be built on sand (and rainbows and freaking glitter). Can you tell I'm angry?!

I had an epiphany today while working on next month's budget spreadsheet. It's an epiphany I've had more times in my adult life than I care to admit. Just when I think things are at their absolute worst - crappy of crappiest times - the silver threads gleam brightest. Things will be okay. It will work out some way or another. Maybe it won't be the way I would have wanted it and maybe it won't be the easiest/happiest/solid-rock-glitter-fest-iest way possibly but it'll still work out.

It's truly amazing and, dare I say it, a miracle, that things end up the way they do. We're losing a huge chunk of income just as we're paying out another huge chunk of money to Ella's daycare. We're going to have a ridiculously tight budget for a while and it wasn't until just about 10 minutes ago that I even had a hope that we could make it through February to see a slightly brighter March. It's calming in a way and I know that somewhere God is shaking his head and thinking, "I told you so. Just have faith."

I'm not implying all is well and my anger is gone and my prayer is found. I'm still struggling to let go of my anger and move forward rather than dwell on everything. We're not sure how this whole financial crisis will end. In all likelihood, things will get worse before they get better. BUT...and it's a big but, my tiny realization that we're not as bad off as I thought makes all of this easier to bear. It somehow makes me feel less forgotten on a cosmic scale. It makes me feel more inclined (for whatever reason) to sigh and say, "Okay God, I'm going to level with you..." rather than just steadfastly refusing to talk about what has been a bit more painful than I realized.

Here's to talking everything out...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Facebook and Friends

In trying to keep up with this blog post a day thing, I was mulling over the topic of "friends" today at work (while hobbling around like a chicken with a hurt back and her head cut off - haha). Facebook, at least for me, has revolutionized the concept of friends. It's allowed me to stay in contact and relatively up to date with friends scattered to the four winds. I've lived in the Midwest, West, South, and Northwest. I feel like I've lived everywhere - at least for a little while.

With FB I'm able to send quick messages of encouragement and praise for their weddings, babies, losses, and achievements. It's pretty cool actually. I keep up on what's going on in the life of my oldest friend (her mother babysat me when we were both under the age of 1), share work gossip with my newest friend and current coworker, and share baby pictures and info with my extended family in the Midwest.

FB may be too pervasive and a bit invasive but it's a convenient, easy way for me to share a picture of my new glasses with grad school friends, wish my great aunt a happy birthday, and share some grandbaby info with my mother-in-law and father at the same time. Love!

Monday, January 3, 2011

Baby = chill; Mommy = ball of nerves

Ella's first day of daycare was today.

She's had a number of babysitters ranging in age from 13 and 15 year old sisters to a lovely couple at church with grandkids not to far off in age from me. She's also been going to a wonderful babysitter with three kids of her own, one with the same birthday as Ella, for several months. We LOVED the babysitter and her kids but we needed some place that could watch Ella more and we couldn't ask her to do that and then offer to pay her next to nothing - it wouldn't have been fair to her. This place, when you break down hours, is a better deal.

It's a local church's daycare center. They have a center with little ones up to five or six and then they have another building with infant and toddler rooms. They're warm and caring and we know a number of people whose kids have gone there for an number of years. Craig even knows the pastor there. Nice guy. It's close to both of our jobs and flexible with hours.

None of this made me feel any better about leaving her there this morning. Luckily, she didn't cry so I didn't cry. That didn't make up for the restless night of sleep I had worrying over how she would react (well), whether they would pay attention to her (they doted on her), and how she would be when she came home (happy) but I suppose it's a mother's lot to worry at least a little. :)

She came home happy, fed, changed, and rested. She loves being around other little kids and watching/playing with them. In a perfect world I'd be able to stay at home with her but sadly this isn't a perfect world and we have massive student debt, ridiculous amounts of other debt, and we're facing some scary pay cuts because of poor leadership and transparency that leave much of the rest of the year under a dark cloud of question marks. So off to work Craig and I go and off to daycare Ella goes. I'm just so happy she's an outgoing, easygoing child. :)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Speaking of best friends...

When Brigid is gone, Pecan pines for her. It's kind of sweet.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Friends

Over at National Blog Posting Month the theme for January is "Friends." In an attempt to kick start my new year, I've decided to give blogging every day for a month a try. (I've been in a very serious mood of "New Opportunities! New Perspective! New Attitude! New Me!" on account of new glasses - just go with me on that - and I think this mood is coming out as dedication and committment - weird.)

I've been mulling over Friends Post #1 all day. Obvs, every post in January doesn't HAVE to be about friends but a bit of guidance, especially at first, never hurt anyone. I spent the day out and about with the fam and I quietly thought about how to begin. Do I talk about old friends? New friends? Crappy friends? Friends of friends? I settled upon "best friend" even though I *know* it'll make me sound crazy sappy.

My best friend is my husband. We are peas in a pod and it's kind of scary at times. Yeah, we bitch at each other at times and he can be so beyond exasperating at times but there isn't another soul out there who is more fun to spend time with - whether we're watching tv show marathons, cooking, or taking a trip. I'm pretty damn lucky to have him in my life. :)