Prayer

My prayer life has been lacking as of late. I think about praying. I make entries on my "To Do" list to pray. I talk to Craig about it. I don't do it.

I've found myself angry at God over the past three weeks. Angry that we put faith (and money and time and heartbreak) into Him when we moved across the country for a job that is proving more and more to be built on sand (and rainbows and freaking glitter). Can you tell I'm angry?!

I had an epiphany today while working on next month's budget spreadsheet. It's an epiphany I've had more times in my adult life than I care to admit. Just when I think things are at their absolute worst - crappy of crappiest times - the silver threads gleam brightest. Things will be okay. It will work out some way or another. Maybe it won't be the way I would have wanted it and maybe it won't be the easiest/happiest/solid-rock-glitter-fest-iest way possibly but it'll still work out.

It's truly amazing and, dare I say it, a miracle, that things end up the way they do. We're losing a huge chunk of income just as we're paying out another huge chunk of money to Ella's daycare. We're going to have a ridiculously tight budget for a while and it wasn't until just about 10 minutes ago that I even had a hope that we could make it through February to see a slightly brighter March. It's calming in a way and I know that somewhere God is shaking his head and thinking, "I told you so. Just have faith."

I'm not implying all is well and my anger is gone and my prayer is found. I'm still struggling to let go of my anger and move forward rather than dwell on everything. We're not sure how this whole financial crisis will end. In all likelihood, things will get worse before they get better. BUT...and it's a big but, my tiny realization that we're not as bad off as I thought makes all of this easier to bear. It somehow makes me feel less forgotten on a cosmic scale. It makes me feel more inclined (for whatever reason) to sigh and say, "Okay God, I'm going to level with you..." rather than just steadfastly refusing to talk about what has been a bit more painful than I realized.

Here's to talking everything out...