On My Mind Often

Luke 22:41-42: He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done." (NIV)

I recently heard a lesson on this verse while teaching Junior High Sunday School.  We were watching a Nooma video by Rob Bell and the focus was on the concept that perhaps our focus shouldn't be on what we want God to do for us but what He wants us to do for Him and for others.  I don't know if the kids really got it but the whole video had a huge impact on me.

Craig and I are at a point in our lives where we're constantly praying for things to change.  Craig's job ends in two weeks.  He's had a fair number of interviews but nothing's firmly on the horizon yet.  He can't claim unemployment because churches, like non-profits, can opt out of paying unemployment taxes.  However, unlike non-profits, churches are also exempt from reimbursing the state for claims paid to laid-off employees.  We didn't know that when this whole thing started.  We know now.

We like where we are.  Craig liked the ministry he was involved in.  As it stands, those things aren't matching up really well.  I'm a bit gunshy now of church jobs and experiences because of how badly things went at times in his current job.  (Point of fact, I am no longer worshiping there - I couldn't stick it out to the end because of how awful it made me feel every week to go to a place where no one seemed to notice if we were coming or going, no one seemed to care.)  However, I long for a church to make friends, raise my kids, nurture myself.  I am not giving up.  I'm just...healing.

All of my focus and prayers have been about getting through and making things work as they are - here in our town, here with our friends.  After hearing Rob's message on the video I was, truth be told, very reluctant to say the prayer I needed to say.  Afraid to give up control and truly mean Your will and not mine.  I've prayed it several times recently and now it seems to be my mantra.  If it's God's will, there's a reason/purpose for it and everything will work out.  My will, maybe not so much.  It's scary and frustrating at times but I've been whispering it to myself today as I see more postings for places not close by that might be the perfect fit for Craig.

I don't know what is in our future but I know if we make the effort to listen, make the effort to be still long enough to listen, and follow what we hear, we will be okay.