Wishes

I want a typewriter.

Mmmm....typewriter.

As I said in a recent post, I'm contemplating how to live my life a little more deeply and deliberately.  One aspect I come back to is my love of the written word and my former drive to craft stories of my own.  I haven't completed my notes/thoughts on bettering my life (Hey - I said DELIBERATE alright?  Off my case!) but I do know that part of my problem with the written word is my tendency to waffle and then wander away.

I write a paragraph or two, futz with the words, delete whole sentences, futz some more, and then wander off in search of easier pursuits.  I leave convinced of my inablilty to write when really, it's my inability to commit to anything more academically challenging than a tv game show by the time the work day is over and the baby is in bed.

I have wanted a typewriter for as long as I can remember.  I blame Murder, She Wrote.  When I was probably five years old or so, my mother gave me an old gray-green one that set in it's own case.  It was old, the keys got stuck, and it probably weighed as much as I did.  I loved it!  When we moved to California from Ohio, she made me get rid of it, saying we had a computer now and it wasn't worth the move.  Pfft.

For my 21st birthday my parents purchased an old and dinged up typewriter for me with the intention of refurbishing it.  Sadly, college was in full swing and I didn't take it with me.  About a year and a half later they sold the house and, in the garage sale in preparation of the move, sold the typewriter.  Pfft.  (To be far, this time they asked and I gave permission as I knew it was not going to be refurbished any time soon.)

You may think I'm kidding about my typewriter love but this website is where I fantasy shop.  *drool*

Now that you know the backstory...

Last night I was sitting with my laptop and wishing the battery in it wasn't completely kaput.  I have to charge up about every hour or so.  I was also wishing it wasn't so warm on my leg and it wasn't so distracting.  I had ten windows open, kept clicking into Facebook, and screwing around with a few other things.  I thought about all that internal noise we keep plugging into.  I thought about all the effort to be near a plug, remain connected, deal with glitches.  If I could have something that allowed me to write, forced me to focus, and wouldn't allow me to fiddle with paragraphs, instead helped me to move forward through the pages I would have a useful tool to help build my skills.

What magical machine could do such things?!?

Typewriter!

It wouldn't have to be beautiful like the ones I linked to above.  It would only need to be a workhorse, something to help me build the strength and focus that I seek.

I haven't convinced Craig yet but I'm thinking that a few well chosen things to be sold would get me a decent starter machine and put me on the way toward discipline. (More on discipline in a later post.)

Ahh...to google, perchance to dream.

A More Deliberate Existence

I know I've been absent an awful lot from the blog lately.

I know I say that on a semi-regular basis.

I'm trying to be better.

Lately, I've been mulling over the concept of living a more deliberate life.  So many of the things I focus on throughout the day are outside of my immediate control.  I obsess over the long term while neglecting the here-and-now.  I feel like I'm half-assing it through the day to day and I don't like it.

In the midst of the recent chaos (recent? haha), I'm taking a bit of time to try and map out the important parts of my life and how to treat them with a little more thought, care, and respect.  Faith, family, home, hobbies, and self all need a bit more care.  I'm almost at a point where I'm ready to share my new goals.

While I continue to muse, enjoy a picture of the cutest little monster this side of...well anywhere!

Back in the Saddle Again

Whew! Life's been crazy! Since August I've flown four times, been in five states outside of Washington, mourned a relative, celebrated two weddings, and spent Thanksgiving in my hometown for the first time since 2004. It's been an expensive, exhausting, and completely worth it whirlwind adventure.

I haven't blogged in a while mostly because I haven't had time or nice things to say but I've decided I need this outlet. I need to champion my family, rage at the world, and detail the minutia of my life. It helps me get it all out and channels my energy.

Things on my plate right now:

1. Fitness Re-Boot. I have the gym membership I've been craving for so long and I LOOVE it. However, to get in my workout for the day and still be a present member of my family, my workout slot is 5am. This, I do not love. I was very good about going for a while but travel and bad weather have conspired with my innate laziness and I haven't been in quite a while. I will be there tomorrow, high waters be damned (we have had a lot of high water around these parts lately...hell, not so much)! I've resigned up for SparkPeople to track my fitness and my food and it's telling me that if I keep this up fairly consistently, I could be at my ultimate healthy weight by next Christmas. :) Merry Christmas to me!
2. Crafting Ahoy! My goal this year was to craft and I've been semi-successful. I am always working on Ella's baby book. I have even started playing around with other scrapbooks (England 2006, Wedding 2007, etc) but those aren't really started yet. Over Thanksgiving, my mom and I made one of the three stockings I wanted to complete by Christmas this year. The pieces are cut out for the other ones but I haven't really had the time or space to do any sewing. I'm planning on devoting a chunk of time this weekend to it in order to bang out the rest. It's 11 days until Christmas - can I have them done in time for Santa?
3. Cleaning, Cleaning, Always Cleaning We have a tiny apartment and due to our own financial problems and some job worries, we won't be able to move any time soon. Therefore, we have been slowly culling through everything to determine what we really need and what can either be pitched, donated, or sold. It's a work in progress but it always feels nice to make a little bit more room.

Life hasn't worked out exactly as planned lately (when does it?) and I've been working through phases of anger, despair, anger again, and acceptance. We're blessed to have health, love, family, and (as of right now anyway) a room over our head and food for our baby so we can't really complain.

I promise to keep up with blogging a bit more. I'm sure all two of you who read this are thrilled. :)

Thinking and Thinking

I had a breakdown yesterday for the first time in a long time. It snowballed from "I think I want rolls for dinner" to an existential crisis of epic proportions "Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I feel like I'm succeeding at so little when I'm doing so much?" Blah blah blah. I was completely caught off-guard by the intensity of these feelings of overwhelming chaos and hopelessness. Fortunately, I arrived home to a smiling baby who wanted nothing more than to be cuddled and most of those feelings melted away. By the end of the night, Craig and I were laughing and smiling - far removed from the foul feelings of earlier.







While the crappy feelings are gone, thank goodness, but a powerful sense of being rudderless remains. I have work and family right now without much else. I feel exhausted, the house is a mess, and so on and so forth. I was reciting all of this to myself last night on my mopey drive home when a voice in my head said, "Hey, buck up. There is no reason you can't keep a house clean, pick up a hobby, and still be an awesome employee, wife, and mother. Countless people do it all the time. Learn to manage your time, dumbass."





And thus, in response to the harpy in my head I am instituting a plan of action! Family trips on the weekend - even if it's just to the park by the house! Mini-cleaning bursts in the morning and evening to keep on top of the clutter! Gym starting in October! Crafts!





It sounds like a lot but in reality, I'm just focusing on the little things that can keep my life jointly orderly and interesting.





My first (and probably for quite awhile my only) craft project is:

Stockings for the family courtesy a pattern from McCall ! It seems simple enough but I've also never sewed anything in my life so what do I know!? Regardless, this will be worth trying and probably fun and rewarding to boot!

Perspective

I think I said it best a few weeks ago on Facebook when I stated that I alternate feeling awash in and strained for time. Time seems to drag on for days and then in the blink of an eye weeks have vanished. I attribute this phenomenon to two things:

1. My lack of a consistent job and therefore a consistent schedule. Without structure, I find myself sort of floating around.
2. The gloomy skies here most days and the difference in how long the sun stays up. We're so much further north than where we were that we have less sunlight. That coupled with the fact that most of the time the sunlight's covered over by clouds or rain leaves me feeling always a little bit off as to what time it is.

All of that being said, I have decided I do not enjoy this nebulous time that I have found myself in. I need structure and goals and because there is no one to give that to me, I will have to create my own.

It's 2010. I'll be a mother in 2 1/2 months, married for 3 years by summer, in two of my closest friends' weddings this fall, and 30 before we ring in 2011. It's a big year and I want to make the most of it - or at least make a grasping attempt to control it before it zips by me in a blur of diapers, tears, laughter, and bills.

Emotionally overwrought (thanks preggo hormones) and stressed by finances and new situations, I had a bit of a panic attack last night. Fortunately Craig was there and able to talk me down, as it were. He listened, gave hugs, and asked questions to help me sort out what I was worried about - baby or job or money or loneliness. Thank goodness we usually alternate having bad/weak days. I don't know what we'd do if we both broke down on the same day! :) We talked for a quite a while, watched a funny movie from Netflix for a bit of an escape, and I came out the other end feeling quite a bit calmer about life.

Later that night I laid in bed for a little while with a blank notebook and just made lists and notes of the various things I think might be important or worth completing this year. It was an attempt to get my head around the changes happening in our household and what I can/should do about them. I didn't come up with resolutions so much as ways to redefine how I view myself and interact with the world - perspective shifts, I guess. Some old standards are on there and some new ones.

Perspectives and Goals for 2010

1. Be the best mom I can be.

This is a BIG year for me with this one. I will be holding (and changing and soothing and nursing and entertaining) a tiny little girl, MY tiny little girl, in just a few months and I feel SO unprepared. There are moments when I think, "I can totally do this!" and moments where the realization that I don't know the "right" diaper bag that would best benefit baby and me leaves me in tears and with doubts. Luckily, our little girl is coming whether I'm ready or not and I know in my heart that I'll be able to provide her with what she needs.

2. Getting healthy/fit

Ahh - my old standby. Health, fitness, weight loss...gotta love it. However, I find myself at a much different place with this perspective/goal this year than in years past. I now have to build back stamina to keep up with a little one. My body's been stretching/shifting/changing to help her grow and I'm going to have to fight an already uphill battle to get it into any semblance of "shape" after she arrives.

Pregnancy has made me realize I miss working out (to a degree). I've been walking and doing stretches while preggo but I haven't been hitting the elliptical or doing anything really hard and I miss being able to put on loud, angry music and sweating away a worry or an argument or a crappy day. I'd like to get back to that place.

And the final, and vanity-driven, reasons for getting fit - wedding, wedding, birthday. I am in two weddings this fall and I'd really (REALLY) like to look decent for them for the happy couples and for myself. I'm also going to be 30 this year (Gah!) and I'm at a place right now where most all that I pictured for myself at 30 is falling into place - married, kids, dog, cat(s). The owning our own house is not going to happen. Having a job I like and a body I like are my two things to work on!

3. Finish What I Start

I'm a quitter. I start things and get distracted or bored or hit a snag and quit. This is a year where I'm going to work to change that. I've got scrapbooking projects, writing projects, sewing aspirations (I'm not even at the project level yet), gift ideas, cooking projects, baby projects and I'm not doing with anything yet. This is my year to teach myself how to keep moving, keep going. I want to set a good example for my daughter.

4. Try New Things

Few people would argue that I'm introverted. I'm chatty and outgoing and I love being around people. It's the worst when Craig leaves for work and I have nothing on my plate for the day. I know no one and I have the worst anxiety about going somewhere by myself. Let me clarify. I love going shopping by myself, taking drives by myself, going to the movies alone, etc. I don't like going to group settings where I don't know anyone. I may be outgoing but it takes me a while to get comfortable enough in a setting to be my chatty self. That being said, I'm going to take this year to work on getting out and joining. Sewing classes, book clubs, Mommy and Me classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and meet some people. Otherwise, I'll never make any friends!

So there you have it - my perspective-giving list of the things I'd like to focus on this year to better myself. It's a few days late and a product of new-parent anxiety and new-location loneliness but it's a good list nonetheless.

Happy New Year!

Sweating it Out

I worked out 12 days in January.  I worked out 20 days in February.  I'm shooting for 25 days in March.  Onward and upward is my thinking.

I'm trying to build in myself a love of working out.  Mostly, I love naps, reading books, and watching television.  However, after two months of fairly consistent exercise, I can honestly say that I'm starting to love it.  I really love it when I'm done.  I feel accomplished.  I feel sore and proud to be sore.  I have started writing down my workouts in my planner and highlighting them with a green marker.  It's truly awesome to look over a month and see loads of green!

Craig has even started working out as well.  He's a self-proclaimed lazy person but a bit of Wii Fit fun (I bought it for him for Christmas) and some of my enthusiasm/heckling have worked together to get him moving.  :)

To be perfectly honest, I think we're both exceeding our expectations regarding healthy living because we're in limbo.  Craig is almost done with his Master's degree and has applications out all over the US.  We're not sure where we'll be or what we'll be doing in the months to come.  We could be here; we could be thousands of miles away.  It's really exciting and thrilling and irritating all at once!  We have so many plans - house, kids, garden, projects, etc - that we're trying to get ready for it all by focusing on ourselves and our health.

I have a secondary motive as well.  If we do end up going somewhere, it'll be like a new beginning - a fresh start.  I'd like to start that start (hee) being the best I could possibly be.  I'm already pretty awesome (hey, it's taken me years to be able to say that about myself so I'm allowed a little vanity now and then.)  I would also like bangs but that is another obsession and one that I am approaching cautiously as I've never had them before.  As my mother said the other day, "Are you sure?  You have a low forehead."  I replied with a sight, "I am not a neanderthal, Mom.  I have a small forehead, not a low one."  hee

All in all - Craig and I are getting ourselves ready for changes down the pike by eating better and exercising more.  I am also collecting pictures of bangs I think might work on my face. :)

In case you haven't gathered, I'm a little bit odd.  I like that.  It keeps people on their toes.  :)