A More Deliberate Existence

I know I've been absent an awful lot from the blog lately.

I know I say that on a semi-regular basis.

I'm trying to be better.

Lately, I've been mulling over the concept of living a more deliberate life.  So many of the things I focus on throughout the day are outside of my immediate control.  I obsess over the long term while neglecting the here-and-now.  I feel like I'm half-assing it through the day to day and I don't like it.

In the midst of the recent chaos (recent? haha), I'm taking a bit of time to try and map out the important parts of my life and how to treat them with a little more thought, care, and respect.  Faith, family, home, hobbies, and self all need a bit more care.  I'm almost at a point where I'm ready to share my new goals.

While I continue to muse, enjoy a picture of the cutest little monster this side of...well anywhere!

Thinking and Thinking

I had a breakdown yesterday for the first time in a long time. It snowballed from "I think I want rolls for dinner" to an existential crisis of epic proportions "Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I feel like I'm succeeding at so little when I'm doing so much?" Blah blah blah. I was completely caught off-guard by the intensity of these feelings of overwhelming chaos and hopelessness. Fortunately, I arrived home to a smiling baby who wanted nothing more than to be cuddled and most of those feelings melted away. By the end of the night, Craig and I were laughing and smiling - far removed from the foul feelings of earlier.







While the crappy feelings are gone, thank goodness, but a powerful sense of being rudderless remains. I have work and family right now without much else. I feel exhausted, the house is a mess, and so on and so forth. I was reciting all of this to myself last night on my mopey drive home when a voice in my head said, "Hey, buck up. There is no reason you can't keep a house clean, pick up a hobby, and still be an awesome employee, wife, and mother. Countless people do it all the time. Learn to manage your time, dumbass."





And thus, in response to the harpy in my head I am instituting a plan of action! Family trips on the weekend - even if it's just to the park by the house! Mini-cleaning bursts in the morning and evening to keep on top of the clutter! Gym starting in October! Crafts!





It sounds like a lot but in reality, I'm just focusing on the little things that can keep my life jointly orderly and interesting.





My first (and probably for quite awhile my only) craft project is:

Stockings for the family courtesy a pattern from McCall ! It seems simple enough but I've also never sewed anything in my life so what do I know!? Regardless, this will be worth trying and probably fun and rewarding to boot!

Perspective

I think I said it best a few weeks ago on Facebook when I stated that I alternate feeling awash in and strained for time. Time seems to drag on for days and then in the blink of an eye weeks have vanished. I attribute this phenomenon to two things:

1. My lack of a consistent job and therefore a consistent schedule. Without structure, I find myself sort of floating around.
2. The gloomy skies here most days and the difference in how long the sun stays up. We're so much further north than where we were that we have less sunlight. That coupled with the fact that most of the time the sunlight's covered over by clouds or rain leaves me feeling always a little bit off as to what time it is.

All of that being said, I have decided I do not enjoy this nebulous time that I have found myself in. I need structure and goals and because there is no one to give that to me, I will have to create my own.

It's 2010. I'll be a mother in 2 1/2 months, married for 3 years by summer, in two of my closest friends' weddings this fall, and 30 before we ring in 2011. It's a big year and I want to make the most of it - or at least make a grasping attempt to control it before it zips by me in a blur of diapers, tears, laughter, and bills.

Emotionally overwrought (thanks preggo hormones) and stressed by finances and new situations, I had a bit of a panic attack last night. Fortunately Craig was there and able to talk me down, as it were. He listened, gave hugs, and asked questions to help me sort out what I was worried about - baby or job or money or loneliness. Thank goodness we usually alternate having bad/weak days. I don't know what we'd do if we both broke down on the same day! :) We talked for a quite a while, watched a funny movie from Netflix for a bit of an escape, and I came out the other end feeling quite a bit calmer about life.

Later that night I laid in bed for a little while with a blank notebook and just made lists and notes of the various things I think might be important or worth completing this year. It was an attempt to get my head around the changes happening in our household and what I can/should do about them. I didn't come up with resolutions so much as ways to redefine how I view myself and interact with the world - perspective shifts, I guess. Some old standards are on there and some new ones.

Perspectives and Goals for 2010

1. Be the best mom I can be.

This is a BIG year for me with this one. I will be holding (and changing and soothing and nursing and entertaining) a tiny little girl, MY tiny little girl, in just a few months and I feel SO unprepared. There are moments when I think, "I can totally do this!" and moments where the realization that I don't know the "right" diaper bag that would best benefit baby and me leaves me in tears and with doubts. Luckily, our little girl is coming whether I'm ready or not and I know in my heart that I'll be able to provide her with what she needs.

2. Getting healthy/fit

Ahh - my old standby. Health, fitness, weight loss...gotta love it. However, I find myself at a much different place with this perspective/goal this year than in years past. I now have to build back stamina to keep up with a little one. My body's been stretching/shifting/changing to help her grow and I'm going to have to fight an already uphill battle to get it into any semblance of "shape" after she arrives.

Pregnancy has made me realize I miss working out (to a degree). I've been walking and doing stretches while preggo but I haven't been hitting the elliptical or doing anything really hard and I miss being able to put on loud, angry music and sweating away a worry or an argument or a crappy day. I'd like to get back to that place.

And the final, and vanity-driven, reasons for getting fit - wedding, wedding, birthday. I am in two weddings this fall and I'd really (REALLY) like to look decent for them for the happy couples and for myself. I'm also going to be 30 this year (Gah!) and I'm at a place right now where most all that I pictured for myself at 30 is falling into place - married, kids, dog, cat(s). The owning our own house is not going to happen. Having a job I like and a body I like are my two things to work on!

3. Finish What I Start

I'm a quitter. I start things and get distracted or bored or hit a snag and quit. This is a year where I'm going to work to change that. I've got scrapbooking projects, writing projects, sewing aspirations (I'm not even at the project level yet), gift ideas, cooking projects, baby projects and I'm not doing with anything yet. This is my year to teach myself how to keep moving, keep going. I want to set a good example for my daughter.

4. Try New Things

Few people would argue that I'm introverted. I'm chatty and outgoing and I love being around people. It's the worst when Craig leaves for work and I have nothing on my plate for the day. I know no one and I have the worst anxiety about going somewhere by myself. Let me clarify. I love going shopping by myself, taking drives by myself, going to the movies alone, etc. I don't like going to group settings where I don't know anyone. I may be outgoing but it takes me a while to get comfortable enough in a setting to be my chatty self. That being said, I'm going to take this year to work on getting out and joining. Sewing classes, book clubs, Mommy and Me classes, volunteer opportunities, etc. It's time to step out of my comfort zone and meet some people. Otherwise, I'll never make any friends!

So there you have it - my perspective-giving list of the things I'd like to focus on this year to better myself. It's a few days late and a product of new-parent anxiety and new-location loneliness but it's a good list nonetheless.

Happy New Year!